But it found me.
Or more to the point,
I found it.
I'm back again. I know I deserted you all and for that I am truly sorry.
I thought I could avoid it all, and just hoped it would all go away, but it didn't, it only got worse.
I ballooned to a whopping 52kg and tried to pretend that I didn't care.
But I did.
One of my dearest friends, who suffers from clinical depression, has now found herself in the midst of her own eating disorder. And I hate her for it.
I know that it's my fault. She needed a coping mechanism, and found what I had been hiding from myself. She goes for days at a time without eating, and I think you stupid, stupid girl. it isn't going to work, trust me. You're going to fall in a heap and everything will be over, and yet I can't help thinking to myself why can't I do that?
Why? I know exactly why. I have commitments, people I have to see and converse with, ballet classes to attend, grades that must retain my usual standards. She has nothing. She lives in her own little self-protected shell because she's too trapped in her own anxieties to do anything. I think at times that one of the reasons she finds it so hard to do anything is that she never has anything she HAS to do, or anywhere she HAS to be.
But this isn't about her. I've made it about her for far too long now. Contemplating her problems helped me to hide from my own, but I've realised I can't do that any longer.
I'm sick of being sub-standard, sub-cool, average.
Bring on the exceptional, bring on the beauty, and, most importantly, bring on the courage to make it a reality.
I've been running away for too long. It's time I stood and fought.
Xx. Lillie
