Im back!

School today was fine. I have a great class, and although i have some not-so-great teachers, i have some ok ones as well...

Now that I'm back at school it's so much easier to avoid all the food! Green tea for breakfast, a small salad consisting of mainly lettuce for lunch, a handful of nuts when i get home, and as little as possible for dinner... perfect :)

I have ballet in a little while so this post can't be too long...

The weather is so hot here it's driving me crazy! I almost died walking home from school. Luckily it's not that far...

I have to get ready for ballet, so i promise a longer post later...

Stay Strong, Live Life, and AVOID THE HEAT!

Xx. Lillie

Hey guys, sorry i haven't been around lately, I'm taking a break until i return to school, which is only a week away now. I just have so much stuff to do before then...

Stay Strong, Live life, and Have Fun :)

Xx. Lillie

The mindset from my last post is gone :)

Hey!

In a much better mood than last post :)

No soul searching, just realized to trust the logical side of my brain.

People who live on the edge are much more likely to fall off it!

Anyway, i wrote this yesterday and didn't get around to posting it so.....

Ugh. The past three days have just been one big eating contest. My 
brain just kept going "eat now cos u won't tomorrow. So, to make up 
for it, I'm fasting for the next two or three days. 
Tea, freshly made juice, 
water, and coffee if I really need it. The plan is to last for two, 
maybe three days although i will still consider it a success if I only 
last for one.

I really want to get back into shape before I go back to school. 
I'm actually looking forward to going back. The stress of the school 
work strips off kilos, as does the running from class to class, and 
not having the opportunity to eat 24/7 is a huge bonus.
 My plan? Restrict on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays and Fridays and to fast on Wednesdays.                               

 I know it will be hard for the first week or so, but after the pattern forms and my body and brain conform to the idea then it will become almost like a second nature. 

The reason for fasting on Wednesdays, is because it is the one weekday that I do not have ballet, so although I still go running, I don't need to have nearly as much 
energy as I do when I have a ballet class. Other wise the plan will be 
an apple and green tea for breakfast, a small salad consisting of 
tomato, lettuce, cucumber and capsicum for lunch, about 150 cals tops? 
A handful of nuts (I just bought a huge packet) before ballet and as 
little of dinner as possible. I love salad, even before I began this 
whole thing, so I doubt I will get sick of it, an apple is an apple 
and my parents don't really watch me eat, so the dinner part is easy.
 As long as I stick with this, I will be thin in no time. I can't wait to see my friends reactions when I finally make the transformation from the thin one to the perfect one.
 I know I can do this, and I will.

Anyway, there's all my new resolve. I'm still trying to figure out how to post some of my music up for you guys to take a look at, but its not easy. 
Apparently i can upload pictures and videos, but not music. Any ideas on how i can put it up?
I wanna know what you guys think :)

Its almost four and i still haven't eaten anything. I always feel like i need food most at around 6-7 ,so that's when my sister and i are making apple, pineapple, orange and carrot juice, YUM :)

Stay Strong, Live Life, and remember, its not the falling down that matters, but how you pick yourself up afterwards. 
Xx. Lillie

Lost.

I'm confused, impatient, and i feel like i don't know who i am...

And when that happens, i eat. Not a lot, but more than usual.

I just want to dance again. I miss the control, i miss my teacher, i miss the rock hard muscles that have slowly faded over the holidays. I miss the music, the long hours and the hard work. I just want to go back. It's only two weeks until i do, but it feels like an eternity.

I feel like i don't know who i am anymore, and the uncertainty unsettles me. I don't quite know how to explain it.

And on top of all this, one of my oldest friends wants to hook up with me, and said it completely outta the blue, he doesn't like me, he just wants to hook up and just asked me if i would sneak out to meet him. There's no way im doing that...

I still don't know what im gonna do...

Agh. I wish i had a fairy godmother to tell me which way to go, to assure me it was all going to be ok.

Sorry this is such a melancholy post, i just don't know what's going on with me...

Ten days til school starts. To get ready, its going fast, restrict, fast, restrict for the next ten days. Then back on abc after that. At least my determination is still with me.

The Battle

I don't need a slap in the face,

I'm already at the bottom of the sea.
Should have known this armour was heavy when the battle was declared by me.

But you weren't listening too hard,
Under every word's a jaded heart.
And you weren't listening too hard, now were you.

Can you pull your head out a moment.

Try to find a second just to breathe

I was trying to be a picture, a pillar of solidity you see.
But you weren't listening too hard,
Under every word's a jaded heart.

Now give me your best and I'll take it, feel it, breathe it,
Then watch me throw it back to you.

'Cause you weren't listening too hard,
Under every word's a jaded heart.
Now give me your best and I'll take it, feel it, breathe it,
And watch me throw it back to you.

I do not like pizza. But had to eat it. Oh well, minor setback.

Feeling rather upbeat today, although a little wistful as well...

You know, the whole "i wonder what would have happened if I'd..."

Oh well, I've been too scared to do things i wish i had done, but you can't go back and change things now. What's done is done, here's to looking to the future.

Xx. Lillie

Did some editing and re-arranging, let me know what you think.

Xx. Lillie

Food for today:

2/3 of a slice of bread

1 avocado sushi roll

Lettuce & Balsamic Vinegar

4 Almonds.

All up around 350?

Im estimating here because i have no idea how much the bread was...

I look at that list and think, well it's not that much.

But im wondering why i feel like i failed?

Still, i suppose you have to have bad days to have good days, otherwise everything would just be the same, and wouldn't that be boring!

Getting my wall painted soon, a lovely blue colour :)

Unfortunately it meant i had to take down my display.

Allow me to explain: Daddy dearest had all these frames, so i took them and created a display in each one of people i admire. I plan to make more, but so far the list consists of:

Anna Pavlova

A famous ballet dancer who revolutionized the design of the modern-day pointe shoe. Tragically, she developed an injury and she had to choose between living and dancing. There was no choice for her, ballet was her everything.

Agatha Christie (Queen of Crime)

An infamous crime writer who overcame the hurdles posed against female writers and the emotional pain of a cheating husband to claim the record for best-selling author of all time.

Michael Jackson

Now known as the King of Pop, Michael was truly incredible. He overcame racism, revolutionized the making of video clips and donated millions to charities, as well as starting one himself (The Heal the World foundation).

Not to mention his indescribable voice and phenomenal dance moves.

He was able to convey more emotion through his songs than anyone else ever had before him, and ever will again, and sang straight from his heart. There will never be another able to equal his talents and achievements, and as long as his music is kept alive, so is he.

R.I.P Michael Jackson.

Amelia Earhart: First female to fly around the world.

Ray Charles: A truly inspirational person, who let nothing stand in the way of his music.

There are more, but I'm not going to list them all.

This wall is what inspires me more than anything else. These are people who never gave up, no matter what obstacles appeared in their way.

People who poured their heart and soul into what they believed in, and never looked back.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and Never Give up Hope.

Xx. Lillie

You know, i think this whole Abc thing is working not because it's such a great diet, but because i refuse to eat up to the calories im supposed to. Today i was meant to eat 350cals. I had maybe 50cals of tomato soup and half a sushi roll (mother dearest bought it for me, had to eat some of it). The weird thing was, i didn't feel hungry at all. I felt full, iv been feeling full all day, which is really strange. Family is all having dinner soon, but its gonna be pretty easy to get out of, it always is. My family isn't one to all sit down and do the whole "dinner is family time thing".

Im so happy right now its strange. I'm not eating because iv finally realised that in the end, it's not worth it, that achieving my goals gives greater a satisfaction and sense of elation than food ever could. The success i feel now is incredible, and im going to make it last.

Stay Strong, live life and never forget how special you are.

Xx. Lillie

Day three went well :)

Am happy as a lark :)

My weight is zooming down, and my levels of happiness are zooming up thanks to a new certain someone :)

If i could share my motivation at the moment with all of you, i wouldn't hesitate to do so, it comes to me in bountiful quantities.

The future is full of hope, and a thinner me :)

Stay Strong, Live Life :)

Xx. Lillie

Missing your comments :(

Day Two of ABC and all is brilliant.

Two days down, 48 to go with ABC.
Only two and a half weeks until i go back to school...
I really hope that's enough time to make a noticeable difference.
I want to be able to walk into that school with my head held high, knowing that i made it.
I want them to see the difference.

My calorie intake for today is about 120, and that's it for today.
After i finish typing this im going to clean my room to within an inch of it's life (although looking round, it's pretty clean already) and then i'll clean the rest of the house. I feel so motivated right now its amazing. I know that what i want is attainable, as long as i have the strength and willpower to keep going.


I've never told you, i don't know why
But all those years, and all those lies
Cling to my body like oil and fire.
They will not sleep, they will not tire.

So we have a problem you see my dear
Cos i can't move on but i can't stay here
I've gotta fix it, leave the tears
And mostly now i need your ears

Cos iv gotta tell you,
I need you to know
You saved me from ruin when you took hold
You showed me the truth in the lies I'd been told
So im finally getting off this dusty road.

Back Home

I flew home after a week away today. Unfortunately, the person I was staying with was a nutritionist, so it was literally impossible to avoid eating. All that food, ugh. I feel like such a failure. I missed a lot of things while I was away, but most of all I missed, and still miss the empty feeling in my stomach that I love so much. They also didn't have wireless Internet, so I couldn't write on my blog, or read any of yours, and I missed all of your company dearly. I missed being able to talk to people who understand rather than ridicule.

Anyway, I reluctantly decided to postpone my new years resolutions until I got back from my "holiday". Which means that as of tomorrow I will become the perfect little Ana that I strive to be, beginning with the abc diet, if any of you want to join me, you're most welcome :)

I can feel the extra pounds I gained dragging me down, and that other little nagging voice "eat, it can't do any harm, you know you want it, just take it, what harm could it do?". I'll tell you what harm it does, it reverses all the hard work you've done so far, it bashes Ana to the back of my mind,and does its best to make you as heavy it possibly can.
Luckily, the minute I got back home, ana was back again, Reprimanding me, and screaming at the other voice until it disappeared completely.
Welcome home.
Xx.

Because inevitably, what you used to be,

Will be tainted by the hand of curiosity,

And you will never, no you will never

See with just your eyes again.

And this is the day that everything changes

And your world stops turning

Running straight into the brake lights

You've come to nothing

This is the day, that everything changes,

And your worlds collide

You know in time, you'll wake to find

You're a little unbroken.

So how can i explain

The isolated rain that follows you

And wouldn't you agree running always slows you down

So welcome the pain

Stop yourself from delaying it

Because the real life, will never go away.