Wow. It's been a while.

Life has been... hectic, to say the least.

It seems that the universe has decided to play a joke on me in the form of irony.

Recently i found myself struggling to care about anything. Then, the front section of my neck began to swell up. To cut a long story short, i went to the doctor, underwent a series of blood tests and subsequently have been diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease. An incurable disease which, among other things, slows down your metabolism, making you gain weight.

Basically, it's an autoimmune disease, which means that my body has decided to attack my thyroid gland and has rendered it incapable of producing enough of the hormones it's supposed to. So i have to take medication for the rest of my life to do the jobs that my thyroid gland is supposed to do. I'm too tired to go into it more, so google it if you're curious. The medication takes up to six weeks to begin to work. it will speed up my metabolism again among other things. It's been four weeks now, and i thought I was getting better. My parents took my sister and I on a ten day holiday, which was nice and helped me to conserve what little energy i had left. I don't think the dosage is high enough. I thought i was getting better, but now I'm back home, i have two separate ballet performances to perform in six days. The lump on my neck that was slowly disappearing is returning and i have no energy to do anything. I don't know how I'm going to get through the five hours of intensive ballet rehearsals i have to somehow make it through today. Or the six hours tomorrow for that matter. On top of it all i have school assignments that i have no time to do, and even if i did, i doubt i would have the energy to muster up something half legible. I had more blood tests yesterday, and have yet another doctor's appointment this Wednesday. And then sometime soon i have to meet with an endocrinologist.

I know what most of you are thinking, but there is no physical way that this disease is related to my somewhat borderline ED tendencies.

My Aunt is flying up to draw up some sort of diet plan for me the week after next (she's a naturopath and works in the medical field). She's suggesting i go gluten free. Which isn't all bad i suppose. I'll have a legitimate excuse for not eating "I can't, it contains gluten".

To add another complication, I've been accepted to go to an international school in Thailand for a semester next year, but if I'm not well enough i won't be able to go.

I just want this week to be over.


Still, by the time i was diagnosed it had been left undiagnosed for so long that the doctor who tested my blood took one look at the results though i must have been in a coma. If i could make it through that stage, i can make it through this week. I just want to get my life back on track.

It was my birthday yesterday.

Stay strong, Live life, and push through it all, there is always light at the end of a tunnel.
(It seems i should take my own advice)
Xx. Lillie.

Djdjdkjfjfbfbfhfhhfjiwosjdhhfhdhdbsidkju!

I look HUGE in my costumes.

I hate this.

Four more days to go...

I can't wait til I'm thin again.

Only five more days...

Five more days of fatness. I will not allow this to get in the way of my ballet. These five food-filled days are ones that i will have to dance through and bear it.
Technical rehearsal
Dress rehearsal
Performance
Performance
Master classes with the Australian Ballet.

Then? Abc begins.

Goodbye 52, you will soon be replaced with a 47.5, and then a 45, and you will never been seen again.

I've been away too long.

I fell, I tripped, I stumbled. I ballooned to a ghastly weight of 51kgs and I had to run away. I didn't feel worthy of owning a blog that was originally supposed to contain my successes when I could only fill it with failures. I didn't feel like I deserved your company.

BUT.
I woke up this morning and my first thought was this is the day.

This is the day that everything changes.

I am in the process of coming up with a theme for each day of the week. Today is Friday, fruit and veg day. If it's not a fresh fruit or vegetable, I'm not eating it.

I ran away hoping it would a be ok, but now I'm ready to take control again. And nothing is going to stop me. 51 is not going to stay on those scales for long.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and never EVER stop believing that you can do this, because you can.

I just finished reading one of those trashy magazines that we all know are stupid but we read them anyway. One of the articles I came across was "can you catch an eating disorder-the dangers of disordered eating". The next four pages were all about how to lost weight by eating less and suggesting exercises. The next page after that was a photoshopped picture of a girl who was (I'm just going to say it, it's too early in the morning for tact) fat. Really fat. The headline? "I love my curves". Nice way to send three different messages in the space of four pages. 1. Eat, otherwise you'll get an eating disorder. 2. Don't eat, and do these exercises to lose some weight. 3. It's ok to be obese.
Clear as mud.

On another note, I ate and ate this weekend. Because I chose to. I don't regret this, sometimes you just have to get it all out of your system. So that is what I did. I ate everything I knew I would crave in one go, so now this leaves me with a completely clean slate.

I downloaded an app onto my iPod called "shape up" yesterday, and it has since become my new best friend. It calculates how many calories you need to eat per day to get to your goal weight. It has graphs and food logs and pretty much everything. I love it :)

I'm beginning to write out everything I'll eat for the day in the morning, that way I don't end up having all these little snacksies. I'd better be off, otherwise I'll be late to classes.

Smile :)
You all deserve to.

Xx. Lillie

Vicious Cycles can go to Hell.

I was doing perfectly fine today.

Until my English teacher had a 'surprise' for the class.

Chocolate Cake.

Just when i was beginning to enjoy the emptiness.

It's time to pick myself up and start again i suppose.

I've written out a list of rules.

I'm going to stick to them.

I know i can do this.

And this time, this time it's going to last.

This blog has become an endless series of 'new beginnings', of countless promises to succeed, to myself, and to all of you.

It has to stop.

Now.

Perfection is about to become my reality.

Let it be yours too.

Xx. Lillie

Enough is Enough.

Today did not go as planned.

I'm so disappointed with myself.

I'm fat.

Now all i can do is work as hard as i can at ballet and hope to work it off.

I doubt it, but i can try.

I'm fat.

I desperately cling to the promise tomorrow will bring.

It's time i took this seriously.

Goodbye food. It was nice knowing you.

Oh coffeeeeee how i looooooovvvvveee youuuuu

Wow.

The wonders of coffee.

I can think again!

Now that im back into the rhythm of things again, it's time to step it up a notch.

It's...

FOOD DIARY TIME!

Let's just hope i can remember to write in it :)

(Sorry about the multiple posts)

Now I'm full of energy.

Hopefully enough to get me through the three tests i have today :/

I'm also trying to drink as much water as possible, without having to pee like every five minutes. I'm going to attempt not to eat anything more than 4 ryvita crackery things for the rest of the day. Possibly a biscuit or an orange if i need it.

The days of snacking are about to be long gone!

(I'm feeling very self-righteous on this fine, rainy morning)

I could sit here mellowing in my thoughts all day, but i think it's time a left for school...

Be Safe, Be Strong, Be Happy :)

Xx. Lillie

Ok so i couldn't leave you all for that long

I tried, but i missed everyone, i missed the blogs that i couldn't carry over onto my other blogger account.

It was something i had to try anyway.

I think i'll just be posting the same posts on both blogs now, until i figure out what to do.

This blog needs a new layout..

On the plus side, I'm down another kilo.

Four more measly kilos to go.

This should be easy.

Hello.

I'm sorry to have left you all for so long.

I went on a trip overseas, and lost connection with the rest of the world for a while.

I have started a new blog, and while i will still be posting here every now and again, most of my blog posts will be on my new blog.

Please please please follow me to my new blog, as i really don't want to lose touch with any of you. Plus since i returned my life has become a lot more organised, meaning a lot more blog posts and a lot more comments. I feel bad when I don't have time to commend you all.

Basically, i went overseas, i found a new lease on life, i stopped hiding and started looking, and in doing so, grew up.

The new me can be found at www. alteredcolours.blogspot.com

Be Good, Be Brave, Be Strong.

Xx. Lillie

Moon Day.

It was on this day in 1969 that man first landed on the moon.

It is on this day in 2010 that a vow to become a better person.
A stronger person.
A smarter person.
A happier person


A thinner person.

I vow, as of this very instant, to:

1. Eat junk food no more than three times a year.
2.Do at least an hour of exercise every day.
3. To tell the truth as much as i can.
4. To be more organised.
5. To stay calm during times of great stress.
6. To give EVERY ballet exercise my all.
7. To remain pescetarian.
8. To get my weight down to 45 or below (and keep it there)


On this date in 1969, we reached the moon.
And it is on this date in 2010 that i attempt a feat that will require a will as fierce as those who reached the moon.



And i too, will succeed.

47.9kgs

I am almost there!
I have another three kilos to go before im truly successful, but to have finally rid myself of the huge failing streak is such a relief.
Back when i was 52ks, i was trying on one of my skirts when my mum walked in. "Hmm" she says "That skirt is pretty small on you. Time to give it to your sister i think." HA. No chance. 45 is so close. I leave on a trip to a little french speaking island with a couple of my friends from my french class in a little under three weeks. I want to be 46 at the most when i leave and hopefully under 45 by the time i get back. And thanks to my job at the pharmacy i have a mound of cash to spend on clothes, jewellery etc while im there.

If i can do this, any of you can.

So go out there and show the world what you can do!

Stay Strong, Live Life, and Never give up hope.
Xx. Lillie

Woo! Optus just gave me $20 free credit.
If you want to text me and live in Australia, feel free.
0422707413

I've had my feast. 

Now it's time to get serious. 

Goodbye food. 

Hello thin. 

I have to be scooting off for work in a moment so this will have to be quick...

IT'S RAINING!!!!!!!!!!
IT'S FREEZING!!!!!!!!
I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thankyou Global Warming :)

Damn dinner.
We should be like the British and have a big lunch and a little dinner.
Lunches are easily avoidable.
Dinners are not.

Stupid weight. RUN AWAY ALREADY. YOU ARE NOT WANTED HERE.

Xx. Lillie

All over the place.

Hello all.

I haven't written in a while simply because I've been running around like a mad thing and have only just found time to stop for a minute. I have various pieces of news to share with you all.

Monday was my first day at my new job! I don't really even know how i got it. One minute i was at home enjoying some time off and the next i was working in a pharmacy. I spend most of my day packing pills, but in a strange way i enjoy it. Doing the same, methodical tasks each day is.. reassuring i guess. AND it takes my mind off food completely. Each day i wake up at 6:30, do some pilates, get ready for work, ignore breakfast completely and make my way to work. At lunchtime i walk around idly, buy a single sushi roll and get back to work. By the time i get home from work at five I'm not even hungry and eventually nibble at dinner.

It's strange. Food doesn't tempt me anymore. I used to crave food. Not so much the feeling of food, but simply the taste. Now i just think of it as fuel. I've finally broken my connection with food and i intend to keep it that way.

I've been barely eating all week. Not intentionally, i just don't feel like it. About once a day the logical side of my brain kicks in and says "you need to eat something" and i eat whatever's lying around. Usually it's a sandwich or something, but i for once i don't fuss about how many calories are in it, or whether something else would be better. I just eat it.
Argh. My brain just isn't working today. I'm attempting to share my thoughts but they just don't want to come out of my head. I'll keep trying anyway.

I'm still wondering about what is going to happen with R when i get back to school...

Wow. This is my 100th post.

My brain is all over the place today.

I'm considering changing the layout of my blog, but i kinda like the simplicity of how it is at the moment.
What do you guys think?

I'll have to add more to this later.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and Be Happy.
Xx. Lillie

I wish i could relive the events of that night again and again.

Holidays are strange.
All the days blend into one.
You seem to be doing nothing and everything at the same time.

It's a strange feeling...

There was one camp experience that i completely forgot to mention.
Love.
Friendly love?
Actual love?
Who knows.

This is probably going to be a load of non-sensical rambling so skip to the bottom if you wish...

Let's call him R.
I've known him since i was ten.
He has the most amazing personality of anyone i know.
He is who he is, and doesn't let anything change him.
He's quirky, unusual, hilarious, and his kindness is almost incomprehensible.

Back to camp, it was the last night, and we were all huddled around the campfire.
R and i started off just sitting next to each other, and ended up snuggled as close as could be, my head on his shoulder and his arms around me. We just sat and talked and laughed, pulling out beanies over our faces at one point to joke about being marshmallow ninjas.

Being out there, in the middle of nowhere with the fire flickering brightly, casting playful shadows on our faces, sitting under the stars, it was easily the most romantic setting I've ever been in. We talked and snuggled until the fire turned to nothing more than glowing embers.

Things happen on school camps that would never happen anywhere else, and those things are hardly ever mentioned afterwards. It's as if a spell has been cast, a spell that slowly but surely fades away in time.

By the time we go back to school, i doubt things will be any different than when we left. R and i will still be just friends, and I'm alright with that, but I will never forget that night. I feel like shouting it from the roof tops, telling it to anyone who will listen. But i don't, i just let it circle around and around my head, like the dream that never was. I wouldn't trade that night for anything in the world.

I know things will go back to just the way they were, but a piece of me hopes against hope that they won't.

I'm looking forward to returning to school and seeing their faces as they see how much I've changed, how much I've lost physically. how much I've gained emotionally.
I only hope the change will be big enough for them to notice.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and remember the small things, because those are often the ones that make the most difference.
Xx. Lillie

Babble Babble Babble.

Hello.

I haven't posted for so long that i don't really know where to start, so excuse the babbling nature of this post.

Camp was amazing. I abseiled down a twenty metre cliff, completed a high ropes course that was just as high, and got to know the people in my group so much better. The food was disgusting, and packed full of calorific ingredients. Macaroni and cheese? The cheese part being nothing more than seven blocks of cheese? Who comes up with this stuff? Ugh. But after all the activities we did i couldn't help but eat 'food' we had on camp. And my gosh, i ate a lot of it too.

The only other downside was working as a team 24/7. I had no time to stop and think, no time to just stop and have some time to myself. No time to sing. I was singing songs in my head throughout the entire camp and today i woke up, plugged in my ipod, and sung to my heart's content. It felt so good.

On other slightly less positive news, 50.8
The word ew has never been more appropriate.

I have a primary school friend who goes to a boarding school now. I love her dearly, but every time she comes back home, i can feel her eyes on me, sizing me up, comparing me to her. She's pretty big boned and very very tall. I don't like how i sound in my head when i say things like this, because it makes me sound so mean, bitchy, self-centred etc, but i know she is jealous of me. Of how i look, of who i am. She builds herself up when she's around me to make herself seem cooler, and i feel myself doing the same thing. Last time i met up with her i wore a bikini, for the first time. Ever. And i could feel her eyes scanning me, comparing me, looking for physical faults, comparing me to her. I'm pretty self-conscious about my stomach, so i kept my top on when we went swimming. It was less than ten minutes before she set about trying to make me take my shirt off so that she could compare my stomach to hers. And she was sucking in her stomach to the max the entire time. Ugh. I hate how this sounds. Anyway, the jist of it is that she arrives in town in four measly days. And i want to be no bigger than 48 by the time she gets here, and 47.5 by the time i meet up with her. I just, want her to know that i am still succeeding, in my own wacky way, at being the best i can be.

No food for me thanks, i would rather be thin.

I'm on holidays now.
I have four weeks before i go back to school.
Four weeks until i blow them all away.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and forget about exceeding other's expectations, instead, aim to exceed your own.
Xx. Lillie

Camp

Blugh. Camp food was disgusting.
Really disgusting.
Im wondering why i ate so much of it?
ugh.
gross.

Oh well. New start tomorrow.
For now? Im off to bed. Nine days in the wilderness really knocks the energy out of you.
Much much longer post soon.

Xx. Lillie

Im trying.
But i need my brain to function for exams...
Looks like there's food ahead.
But I'll be back to my old self by Friday afternoon :)
These are gonna be the longest three days of my life...
Xx. Lillie

Hopefully it works this time...

This is the song i promised you all.
(Sorry about the bad quality)
I wrote it about two and a half years ago now, back when i was a little tiny tot so the lyrics aren't too crash hot, but i like this song, it reminds me of the days when life was a whole lot simpler.
Yes, it is me singing, along with one of my friends.
Let me know what you think.
Xx. Lillie

Ho Hum..

Okey Dokey.

I should be doing homework but i just can't bring myself to do it.
I need SOME time to myself!

On the pictures front, I've decided that when i get to 47 (which isn't too far away at all) I'll put up pictures.

Ouch. My muscles are all so sore that i can barely move them. I feel like someone has crawled into my body with a screwdriver and tightened every muscle i own. Oh well, it will pass.

I have to break in my new pointe shoes today too. I'm going to miss my old ones, they mould perfectly to my feet because I've had them so long. When you get a new pair of pointe shoes it's like dancing with your feet in wooden slippers. They just don't BEND. But breaking them in shouldn't take too long, and then my feet will look so much better in the new shiny satin of my new shoes, as opposed to the dull, super frayed satin on my old ones. I'm gonna have to find a place to put them on my wall. I hang all my old pointe shoes up when i can no longer wear them. This will be the fourth pair to make it to the wall.

On other news, i don't want to jinx myself, but I'm feeling pretty good about today. I've had my super salad to get me through the four and half hours of ballet rehearsals i have in about an hour, and i feel like i could conquer the world.

I'm off to read all of your wonderful blogs and hopefully get some work done before i leave for ballet, but i doubt it.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and Have Fun!
Xx. Lillie

Hmm...

I took some pictures today.
Me in my ballet gear.
Never in my life have i wanted to delete something so much.
But i didn't.

Instead they're going to stay on my computer.
Packed safely away in a locked file.
Until i can open the folder and look at them again and think
Never. Ever. Will i go back there.

Ok, so im finally getting around to doing this thing.

Seven facts i bet you don't know:

I have a bear named Elliote. I've had him since before i can remember.
I used to wake up in the morning and think of the first things i would grab if i woke up and my house was on fire.
He would always be on the top of the list. I'm not sure why i like him so much. He's just a plain brown teddy bear, but he's always been there. Partly in real life, partly in my head i guess, he's like my second self.

Fact number two: I have loved the same guy since i was five. I wish he knew.

Fact number three: I don't believe in God, but i do believe that everything happens for a reason.

Fact number four: I collect Winnie the Pooh books. Not the crappy disneyfied version. The original books by A. A. Milne. Again, I'm not sure why i like them so much. There's just something about them. I guess they remind me of my childhood.

Fact number five: I want to help people to understand. I want to be able to help people see from the inside of a situation, rather than looking from the outside and wondering why.

Fact number six: I love to sing.

Fact number seven: My friends think I'm perfect, I wish i was.

As for the seven people... im still undecided, plus someone PLEASE tell me how to do the taggy thing where you can tag other people's blogs and stuff so i can actually nominate them etc..

I might put some photos later. I haven't decided yet.

In the meantime, i think it's finally time i shared some of my music with you.
The video's just black because i couldn't figure out a way to put up just the music.

I don't usually record my songs so this is from a couple of years ago. The other voice you hear is one of my muso friends.

(for some strange, inexplicable reason, it decided not to upload. but it will be in my next post so STAY TUNED! :)

Please let me know what you think.
Stay Strong, Live life and never give in.

I tripped and grazed my knees a little bit (figuratively speaking) but it's ok, because i picked myself up again.

Fail. Oops.
No matter. The stress got to me.
So i decided to eat like a 'normal' person.
Bad idea.
Now i feel fat :(

But not for long.
My new plan starts right about... NOW.
Yes, that's right. NOW. Not tomorrow.
I need to prove to myself that i can do this.
And not by planning for tomorrow, but by doing what needs to be done today.

Ok. My new plan goes something like this.

Monday, Tuesday, Thursday Friday:
Breakfast: Green Tea and perhaps an orange.
Lunch: Lunch? What Lunch?
Before Ballet: Two pieces of toast/an orange
Dinner: Miso soup, if i feel like it. If not, nothing.

Wednesday, Sunday: Green Tea, Miso Soup- i bought it from a special little japanese shop. It's yum, and about 30 cals a litre.

Saturday: Coffee, one big fat salad with lots and lots of vegetables.

I have ballet on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday, so that's why i eat more on those days.
I'll see how this goes. I might have to alternate between this and something with slightly more substance each week, because i need the energy for ballet and exams.

It's not long now before i go on camp. For nine days. Doing extremely strenuous exercise. I leave on the ninth of June. That's exactly two weeks away. So if i lose two kilos between now and then, that puts me at 46. Nine days of hard work and yucky camp food that I'll have no trouble not eating? BAM i come back at a wonderful 44. Thinner and Thinner.

I'm determined to make this work.
Which it will, as long as i don't give up hope.
I'm sorry i haven't been commenting, no time, plus half the time my computer won't let me :(
But expect some comments soon, they're on their way!

Seven facts/nominations will have to be in the next post.
Or added to this one if i find time.
We'll see.

Stay Strong, Live life, and Be Happy :)
Xx. Lillie

Mix anger, stress and optimism and what do you get? Optiangstressism?

I have so many things to do that it's not funny.
Whose stupid idea was it to give me five major assignments three days before exams?
Because if i wasn't such a controlled person i would punch them in the face. hard.

Today i woke up, pottered around and got ready for school. Half an hour my sister comes into my room and demands that i give her the shirt i was WEARING because she wanted to wear it. Two parents involved and a screaming fit later, my sister gets the shirt. I'm always the well-behaved one. The one that gets good grades. The one that's easy to get along with. The 'no drama' one. And yet it's always me that has to accommodate the ridiculous demands made by my sister "because it's easier".

I get home from school and get on with my assignments to get them out of the way. Five minutes later my sister comes home and demands that i braid her hair for school tomorrow. Trying to be nice, i agree, even though my assignments are piling up. Two hours and ten sore fingers later, my sister chucks another hissy fit because she "doesn't like it" and takes it all out.

Sometimes i just want to chuck a hissy fit. To scream and shout and stomp my foot until i get what i want. But i don't, because i know it's childish, silly, irrational...

So why is it that my darling prima donna of a sister is so much better off because of her screaming fits? Because "it's easier to give in than to fight".

She's in the lounge room screaming now because she forgot to bring home her maths book. What she expects us to do about it i don't know, but in the next ten minutes i know she will be sitting there with a maths book in front of her, probably at my expense, all without her lifting a finger.

My parents know it's "easier to give in than to fight". As i sit her listening to my sister screaming on the other side of my door, i think of this funny little phrase. It applies to all of life really. It is always easier to give in than to fight. But just because something is easier does not make it right, or fair, or worthwhile.

Whether it's becoming the best you can, or achieving any other goal, don't give in, it will all be worth it in the end. Just make sure you don't lose sight of the end, because that's when things really get hard.

And thankyou so much for the Beautiful Blogger award :)
It made me feel so special this morning.
I don't have enough time to reveal my seven secrets, or nominate my award recipients now, so it will be in my next post.
I'm sorry that my blogging comes and goes... i think it suffers when i suffer.

I'm off to finish the assignments i should have finished ages ago.
Oh, and to try and find my willpower. I seem to have misplaced it, so if anyone has seen it, let me know :)

Stay Strong, Live Life, and remember, whatever you're aiming for, your efforts will all be worth it in the end.
What we do cannot be achieved by throwing a hissy fit. It takes hard work and determination, but the satisfaction of achieving that seemingly unattainable goal would not be nearly so great if it didn't.

We are all stronger than we suppose.
Even if we can't see it yet.

Xx. Lillie

Wow. i am so sorry i haven't posted for so long.
Things have been hectic.
I have exams next week :/ So they're keeping me busy.
Plus fifty billion other assignments due in the meantime.

Im determined not to give in though. 48, 47, 46, 45, 44, 43.
It will all come eventually.

In the meantime, i have all of you to help me through.
When i began this blog i had no idea how much it would end up meaning to me.
To know that you all read my nonsensical thoughts gives me so much happiness :)

Ugh. I hate my sister.
More on that later. I'm off to school.
Xx. Lillie

Oh. My. God.

I haven't felt this bad since i was about ten.
I can't breath. Literally.
I can't walk three steps without sitting down.
Last night I almost fainted while I was standing up to brush my teeth.

Last time it was this bad I ended up on oxygen in the hospital.
I don't want to go there again.

This is why I don't like getting sick.
Because when I get sick, I get really sick.

No energy left whatsoever.

Sorry this is such a depressing post.

Stupid asthma.

Stay strong, live life and never take air for granted.
Xx. Lillie.

Happiness is a wonderful thing.

I had a ballet performance last night.
Made me feel so beautiful :)

On the not-so-good side, im sick.
I hate being sick.
It just makes me feel so...listless.
Like i can't do anything..

And yet despite that im still super happy.
Partly from ballet, partly because i just am.

I probably should have mentioned this a while ago, but there's a guy in my life again.
A really sweet one.
Who also happens to do ballet.

Oh, and did i mention? IM DOWN TO 48!
Two more measly kilos and im down to 46.
Two more and im down to 44
Two more and its 42
One more and I'm there.

So close.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and never, ever let ANYONE tell you what you can and can't achieve. The strength is there, you simply have to find it.
Xx. Lillie

49 :)
There's no where to go but... Down?
You get what I mean.

Tech rehearsal tonight. Tiring, but should be fun.
Xx. Lillie.

No one can feel ugly in a black tutu and pointe shoes. Not even people with braces.

Hello fellow bloggers! I just want to let you know that you all mean the world to me. For some reason it won't let me comment on half your blogs so I'm sorry for the lack of comments :(

On other news, I ended up getting light pinky-purple braces. And they hurt. A lot. When they first put them on I was like "these aren't so bad, once i get used to them they'll be ok". Three hours later? Not so ok.
On the up side, it stopped me from eating everything in sight, which to be honest is what iv been doing recently. Anyway so now I'm down to 49.2 (kgs) and I'm not going to let it go up from there ever again. Ever.

I am performing this Friday and Saturday and am slightly freaking out about it, but not too much (thank god).
The costumes I get to wear are amazing :)
No one can feel ugly in a black tutu and pointe shoes.

Stay Strong, Live life and always always remember, you are stronger than you think.

I have to leave ballet early today.
To go to the orthodontist.
To get braces.

I have mixed feelings about this.
On one hand, theyr gonna hurt. And they look... Less than desirable.

On the other hand, they will make my teeth look pretty (eventually)
and my teeth will be too sore to eat for a couple of days (is it weird that I'm looking forward to this??)

I'm still debating what colour to get, so let me know what you think. I don't want anything too bright and OBVIOUS, so at the moment I'm deciding between light purple, light blue and dark purple...

Stay strong, live life and be happy :)
Xx. Lillie

And then it dawned on her. She could be whoever she wanted.

Second post for today, second post in a matter of minutes really, but there is truth that needs to be shared.

I am at my heaviest. Ever.

BUT

New plan. Starts tomorrow.

Pilates every morning (de-stresses + exercise)

Lots and lots of green tea.

Green tea for breakfast.

Water for lunch.

Sandwich before ballet.

Green tea for dinner.

For one week.

I'm flushing out all the mistakes of the past, ready to begin again.

I will not let my mistakes rule my future.

I can't let them win.

Remember, nothing goes is in vain as long as you keep trying.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and let nothing stop you from becoming who you want to become.

You will get there in the end.

Xx. Lillie

If i could learn how to fly
My feet would never touch the ground.
I'd never have to say goodbye
Wouldn't have to make a sound.
I could throw away this heart
Leave it in the lost and found.
If i could fly, I'd never come down.

If i could sail across the sea
I would head towards the sun
I would never have to be
Anything to anyone.
I could chase my memories
Then I'd never have to run
If i could sail away, I'd never come home.

But i am still here.
There's no where else to go
I am still here.
There's no one else to hold.
And i can't fly, I'm not that strong.
I am still here, and what i have to do is still undone.

If i could fall into my arms
I'd promise myself never to let go
I would keep me safe from harm,
And take me everywhere i go.
I could throw away the past.
Then I'd never have to know.
If i could hold my arms, I'd never let go.

But i am still here.
There's no where else to go.
I am still here, there's no one else to hold.
And i can't fly, I'm not that strong.
Yet i am still here, and what i have to do is still undone.

I am still here.
But what i have to do is still undone.
For now.

And so, she decided to live off green tea.

It's useless.
What's the point?
There is no point.
You're never going to be good enough.
You're never going to get what you want.
You're never going to get everything done.
You're always going to be fat.
You'll never be perfect.
You'll never succeed.

This is a shorter version of something i read on one of your blogs today, and while reading it, i began to believe it. The first word i thought of once i had finished reading?

NO.

We all feel like this sometimes. We think that we will never get there, that we do not deserve to get there. But I'll let you in on a little secret, the failures we face along the way are there to remind us that this isn't easy. If it was, everyone could do it. But it's not. We are perfectionists, with our highest critic being ourselves. We all have the strength to get where we want in life, it's simply a matter of finding said strength. You can be anyone you want to be, you simply have to try.

If i let my mistakes from today, dictate what happens tomorrow, i would never get anywhere. Don't dwell on your mistakes, look at them, shake your head, and move on. If you make them again, try again.

Today was a bad day for me. Stupid french teacher and her nice, extremely unhelpful ideas. She decided that she would turn her french room into a cafe so we could practice our french by ordering things in french. There was real food.

And so since i failed so early in the morning, i spent the rest of the day thinking oh well, I've already failed, what does it matter? It does matter. A lot. And its something i should have realised earlier.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and never give up.
Xx. Lillie

And so she came home from ballet and was so exhausted that she fell on her bed and went to sleep.
But now I'm awake again and am looking forward to today, I just know that today's going to be a good day. I don't have any ballet this afternoon so I think I'll go for a run, something I haven't had time to do for a long time, and I miss it. I love to just escape the company of everyone but myself and just surround my head with my thoughts and my music :)

Last week I went to a friends house, and didn't feel like going home, so I simply went for a walk. I walked all around my neighbourhood, just thinking about whatever popped into my head. It was the most enjoyable thing I did that day.

I have to get ready for school so longer post later.

Stay strong, live life, and remember, today is going to be a good day.
Xx. Lillie.

Today was alright. A small failure, but on the whole a good day.
I have french homework to do, and im off to ballet soon, so longer post later today, i promise.
Xx. Lillie

We are all stronger than we suppose.

There are no excuses left.

There are no excuses for my lack of posts, i can always find time.
But time is not the problem.
I am.

My moods swing like a pendulum. One minute i decide that i should just throw in the towel, that i am not strong enough for this. The next minute, in a sudden burst of positivity, i realize that i can, if i only try.

I fear my wardrobe. I just can't face the feeling of tight clothes, clothes that used to be loose on me.

I looked down at my legs yesterday. Faint purple lines streaked my thighs, stretch marks, something i swore to myself i would never have to deal with, each one a painful reminder of my many failures. It was a wake-up call. A reminder that i cannot have it both ways. All the ridiculous excuses I've served myself, all the justifications for my failures, they mean nothing. The harsh reality is that i am slipping further and further away from the person i aim to become, and ever closer to the person i fear becoming.

I am determined not to let this beat me, it is a competition, a contest between myself. If i can win this, i can win anything.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and please don't forget me like i forgot myself.
Xx. Lillie

POSITIVITY HAS RETURNED TO MY UNIVERSE. (finally)

Hello.
I am so sorry for leaving you for so long.
I don't like to write when im not in a good mood.
I have been flailing around in the water for too long, it's time i learnt to swim.
New Haircut, new attitude :)

(photo deleted)

Let me know what you think :)

Stay Strong, Live Life, and keep that head above water :)
Xx. Lillie

Oops, Easter slip up :/
Oh well.
Sorry for the short posts, I think a long one is desperately overdue..
Stay strong, live life, and be happy, it is Easter after all :)
Xx. Lillie.

48.5 :)
I knew I could do this :)

Hello!
If you're wondering, the ballet performances were great :)

I'm so sorry I haven't posted for so long, but I don't like to post when I'm failing. :(
my friend arrives tomorrow, and I am at my HIGHEST weight EVER. It's holidays now so no ballet means that some of what I will be losing In the two weeks to come will just be muscle mass, but i dont really mind, just so long as it COMES OFF and quickly :) which I know it will, because this is easy. 49.5. It was more than enough to shock me back into reality, where being thin doesn't come from eating as much as you want. I miss the days where I saw 44.5 on the scale, and I will get back there, all I need is a little patience and a heap of determination. My goal is to get down to at least 46 during the twelve days of holidays I have now. Three and a half kilos... Easy stuff.

Stay strong, live life, and leave me some lovely comment to help me lose this weight once and for all :)
Love you all.
Xx. Lillie.

Sorry no posts..
No time...
My ballet performance is today.
Cinderella here I come :)
Wish me luck!!
Xx.

Home, Hair and HOLIDAYS (almost)

No time to make this a long post :(
I have an english essay to write and then ballet rehearsals ALL weekend.
I am almost ready to collapse by the end of them, and today's rehearsal is going to be a KILLER.
Oh well, its only one week until the performance now (eek!)

Oh! It's also one week until i chop all my hair off!!
Well, not ALL of it. Just MOST of it.
The dye i put in it has faded.. its gone from dark dark brown to... ORANGE. eek. ew.
And the worst thing is i just have to sit it out and wait until it all grows out.
I can't get the dye removed by the hairdresser because my hair is still falling out from the dye in the first place, and i really don't think that dumping ANOTHER load of chemicals on my head is going to help.
I wish I'd never dyed it, my hair has always been thin but now its SUPER thin, and i have no choice but to sit it out.
Oh, and to make matters worse my hair is the SLOWEST GROWING hair you have ever seen. And im not exaggerating.
Ugh, sorry this post was meant to be a positive one (and also a short one if i remember correctly)
I'm just a little frustrated at my hair right now...
That's why I'm getting it cut. It's going to be just above my shoulders, i can't go any shorter otherwise i won't be able to put it up in a bun for ballet. Anyway, its only a week until holidays, and then I'm going to get so skinny that it won't matter what my hair looks like.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and Keep Smiling :)
Xx. Lillie

Stressed.
And missing your comments :(

One and a half weeks left of school for this term, it seems to be going FOREVER.
I'm still the same weight.
And still worried about being the same weight.
But i eat, i wish i didn't.
One week...
One week until i can stop this stupid charade and just go back to not eating.
One week until all this stress is gone.
One week seems like too long.

One of my friends is coming back from boarding school soon...
The one whom o love very dearly, but the one who always makes little remarks...
One minute she'll say things like "omg I wish I was as thin as you" and then the next day she'll say things like "you know you're not really as thin as everyone thinks you are". I suspect she has a little green eyed monster on her shoulder, one that likes to aim it's little green eyes at me...

BUT. I have gained since she last saw me. So...
Abc is off, my ballet timetable is just too demanding for me to continue, unless I want to collapse
sometime in the near future that is... So, abc has been put away in the "holiday plans" box.

Anyway, I have two weeks until this friend of mine returns...
Two weeks to get down to 45. I would love to get down to 43 but that probably won't happen. Then again...

Love you all :)

Stay strong, live life, and remember to smile :)
Xx. Lillie.

No i have not fallen off the face of the Earth, i have merely been in a hazy, subconscious state, induced by lack of sleep.

No sleep sucks :(
No sleep means you have to eat just to get through the day.
No sleep means you can barely stay standing during ballet rehearsals because you are so tired.
No sleep means you forget dance steps.
No sleep means your brain doesn't function properly.
No sleep means your brain is too tired to worry about the number that appears on the scale.

I will never take sleep for granted again. Luckily, i am back to normal, im pretty sure i can sleep again, my brain just wouldn't shut down, and would get me stressed about things that don't even exist...

BUT. I am back now. Stupid sleepless nights interrupted my second attempt at Abc...
Oh well, some things just can't be helped.
If anyone wants to begin abc *again* with me tomorrow, feel free :)

Longer post later, im off to ballet (again) :)
Stay Strong, Live Life, and remember that sometimes, its ok to sit awhile before dusting yourself off and beginning again.
Xx. Lillie

The more observant ones among you may have noticed that i have deleted some of the goal weights i have reached since starting this blog. I have been kidding myself for way too long. When i began this blog, i had already lost four kgs (9 pounds) during the holidays, and all of that was muscle mass. While on holidays, i got down to 44.5, and felt great. Now im back at school, and back at ballet, my weight is also back, and stubbornly hanging around 48 kgs. I hate this. I really hate this. And so, instead of allowing this realisation ruin my mood, i am going to do something about it. This is where Abc steps in...

I was meant to start it on Monday, but i stuffed up today. I really stuffed up.
Oh well. i am RESTARTING tomorrow, and i am going to stick to it, simply because i know i can, and am determined to prove to myself that i am not the epic failure that i was today.

A few hiccups, but im getting there... slowly but surely i'm getting there, all it takes is time. Time, determination and patience. You can't expect to see results overnight, but as long as you know you can do it, nothing can hold you back. So, here's to a new beginning, a future where failure doesn't exist. Who's with me??
Stay Strong, Live Life, and be patient, one day you will be able to look back and be able to say
"I did it."
Xx. Lillie

Day Two and all is well...

Oh, except i couldn't get to sleep last night.
Which is weird because usually i fall asleep so easily...
It was like my brain wouldn't shut down...
I would close my eyes and all i could do was think of a million things at once...
Not good.
Hopefully tonight is better...
Stay Strong, Live Life, and good luck :)
Xx. Lillie

Abc, here I come.

Oh, i did forget something.
I need someone to text.
Pretty please??
Someone who knows what its like, and who can tell me to
PUT THE PEANUT BUTTER DOWN.
hehe.
So if you want, comment, leave your email and I'll send you my number.
We shall be great friends :)
(unfortunately you have to live in Australia and be on telstra, otherwise this aint gonna worky...)
Love you all.
Stay Strong Live Life, and help me to PUT THE PEANUT BUTTER DOWN.

Ps. Just to let you know, my weight had soared with the increased ballet...
Damn muscle mass.
Oh well, at least it's not fat mass

Another pic, just to humanize me to the blogging population... :)

Xx. Lillie

Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum.
Hmph.

Now that that's out of the way...
I'm starting again. again.

Yesterday is now in the past, and there's nothing i can do to change it now, so im doing the next best thing.
Starting again.

Ever had one of those days where you just wish you could do it all over again?
Well, one of those days was yesterday. But lets move on, shall we?

My ballet timetable has increased to almost every day of the week for the next three weeks (performances, performances)
Which will keep me busy i suppose.
It always seems that my school finds the most inappropriate times to give us new assignments.
I have the usual amount of homework while ballet is normal, but once performances start poking their heads around the corner, i have to be a ever-energetic superhero to get through the workload. Oh well, I'll find a way, i usually do :)

Now where was i?
Oh yes, starting again.
I think my problem is that i get lonely quite easily.
I'm not really into hanging out with friends every second of every day, i tried that for one weekend, and turned into a cross between King Kong and Mr Annoyed, meaning well but just getting irritated instead.
When i have the house to myself, sometimes i love it, but sometimes i wish i had a second me to talk to.
Someone who knew everything that i knew about me, and everything else.
Instead, i decide to act like a normal person.
What would a normal person do, i ask myself.
Eat. Most of my friends eat. A lot. Most of the time. That's just the way they are.

Except one, who i know has an eating disorder, but not EDNOS, or anorexia, or bulimia.
What's that, you say?
There's another?
Well, technically its not yet actually classified as an eating disorder, but I'm pretty sure it will be soon enough.
It's called Orthorexia. It's where a person is obsessed with eating healthy. My friend has always been a health nut. But since high school she's become vegetarian, then vegan, and now barely eats anything other than rice crackers, ryvitas, fruit and vegetables. And is thoroughly obsessed with exercise. Sometimes i wish i was like her, always always able to say no to the crap other people eat. I would like to think that she is not always like that, that she slips up and stuffs her face with junk, but she doesn't.

Oh well, in a way it helps, because when i am with her i can never bring myself to eat.

Anyway, this post is long enough already.
And i have two english essays and a history assignment to finish...
BUT, I'm starting again, and this time, it's going to last.
I'm not sure why, but i know that it will.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and don't be afraid to let go of the past and make a fresh start.
Love you all, and your wonderful comments, oh, and before i forget, i know i don't comment much, but im gonna make an effort, so expect to hear from me on your own blogs in the near future. :)
Xx. Lillie (the begin againerer)

Bad Day.
Very Bad Day.
No enthusiasm for writing.
Fail.

Today's food:
2 slices of bread: 150
2 Ryvitas: 50
One small apple: 60
One coffee: 30
290 YAY!
Haha that leaves 210 spare for dinner, but I'm not really hungry so i doubt I'll eat much...
Off to ballet...
Stay Strong, Live Life, and don't be afraid to celebrate success.
Xx. Lillie.

New Goals
To be 93lbs (42kgs) or less on my birthday.
To avoid junk like chocolate, cake, etc from today onwards (if i manage to do this, i can eat whatever i want on my birthday)
To keep up my vegetarianism
To not eat more than 900 cals a day AT THE MOST.
To aim for 500cals a day.
To never eat everything on my plate.
To drink more water.

I don't know why i haven't thought of it before, but i hate hate HATE going over what i planned. So, by setting myself at 500 a day, i know for sure which days are good and which days are bad. Basically my days from now on will either be GOOD or BAD with no in betweeny 'ok' days. Under 500, good. Over 500, bad.

Anyway, time to put a face to this text, and later, perhaps a voice, i have a song i wrote with a friend a couple of years ago, she didn't really know what it was about, but you guys will, so stay tuned for that :)
Anyway,
Here goes...




Two pics, and that's all you're gonna get -for now anyway :)
Stay Strong, Live Life, and tell me what'cha think :)
Xx. Lillie

Ah, finally some time to myself where my head isn't throbbing!
My cough still lingers, but other than that, I am fully recovered, and about time too!!

Just had an extremely close call. My mum walked into my room and went onto the computer. All your lovely blogs were minimized but one click and it would have been game over. Luckily I got there just in time. Spun some story about the Internet being faster if you quit the browser and then re-open it. She took the story without question, but my heart didn't stop pounding until she was off the computer and I had cleared my Internet history. I'm usually so careful about these things, and now I'm definitely going to be even more so.

On another note, my sickly, clouded head forgot all about calories and 'good foods' and 'bad foods' and ate. A lot. So now, I have some work to do. From now on, it's green tea for breakfast, a salad for lunch and as little as I can get away with for dinner. I'm still working on my weekend eating, i need to find something relatively low cal that I can have for lunch, but it has to give me enough energy to get me through four and a half hours of ballet, if I try running on nothing I am highly likely to collapse. Any ideas?

I'm not gonna disappear again, I'm here to stay. I'm sick of being NEARLY thin enough, of being NEARLY content. I will get there, I know I will. I will post my new goals in my next post (haha that sounds funny:))
until then...
Stay strong, live life, and never give up hope.
Xx. Lillie

Long post coming... I promise.
Love you all :)
Xx. Lillie

Still sick :(

i feel like I owe you guys a really long post, but at the moment I just don't have the energy...
Longer post later, I promise :)
Xx. Lillie

Sick :(

I'm sick. :(
I hate being sick :(
It puts me in a bad mood :(
My throat is so sore that I can barely talk, let alone sing :(
My head is throbbing!!
I hate being sick :(

On the plus side, no food and no school tomorrow, although I want to go in the afternoon for French, we're having a fashion parade!:)
I hope I'm well enough...

Stay Strong, Live Life, and Keep Happy (even if you're sick)
Xx. Lillie

Sleep, Wake, School, Ballet, Homework, Sleep.
It seems i have no time for anything at the moment :(
Have become a vegetarian.
Longer Post later, when i eventually get time...
Stay Strong, Live Life, and (unlike me) leave room for FUN!!
Xx. Lillie

FAIL

Uniform free day tomorrow... I'm going to look like a whale. :(

Hello hello hello

I ate. And ate. And ate.
I went to my friends house and made the chocolatiest chocolate chip cookies you've ever seen. So I ate them. My friends bought me valentines day lollies, so I ate them. Then I came home and my little sister made me pasta (she's jealous of my weight so she's always trying to make me eat, she has no idea about my Ed though) and I've just had pasta for dinner as well. So many calories! So much fat! I'm going to pay for it tomorrow.

Oh well. There are three apples in the fridge. Three apples for the next three days. This should be easy, it used to be, and will be again. We will show them all. Everyone who was thinner than us, everyone who admired as for our control, they don't even know the meaning of control, but they will, we will show it to them. Another setback just means I have to work harder, and harder still until I am happy, and I almost am, almost...

Stay strong, live life, and remember, it's not a failure if you acknowledge it and move on, never to go there again.
Xx. Lillie

Happy Valentines Day...

Happy Valentines day everyone :)

I like the feeling of happiness that surrounds today, but i also think its funny that so many people celebrate it as purely a happy day, and forget about the sadness of it. The broken hearts, the rejections, the plans gone wrong, they all happen on this day more than any other. Still, it's a day of celebration for love, in all its forms, puppy love, first love, last love, lost love, friend's love...

I'm off to celebrate with my closest friends, the ones that (unlike any boyfriend) i will love forever, no matter what happens or where we are.

Thankyou for reading my ramblings

Stay Strong, Live Life, and Share the Love :)

Xx. Lillie

Hey, sorry no time to make this long, off to ballet again..
Three day fast starting.... Now.
Anyone wanna join??
Stay strong, Live life, and don't make a fuss when your sister breaks her 3rd guitar string while trying to tune it again.
Xx. Lillie

Ballet

It feels to good to be back to ballet. Classes six days a week leaves just about no room for anything else, but it's worth it.
It's a part of my life where i am always in control. I work as hard as i possibly can ever class, and love every minute of it. It makes me feel beautiful, it clears the worry out of my head, friends, family, school, it's all gone, there's nothing left but me and the music. Back up, arms held, tailbone forward, constant corrections, the feeling like you are about to die by the end of it, it's what i do, and it's what i love.

On another note, HELLO to everyone that reads this, im so glad you do, and im especially glad for your wonderful comments :)
Im so sorry i haven't been writing as often as i probably should, but im back now, so expect a new post at least once every second day :)

Foodwise today was good as well, im so glad to be back :)
Xx. Lillie

I'm back, for good.

Yesterday, I was getting ready for ballet. I put on my tights and leotard and looked it the
mirror. What?? Since when have I become this huge! My thighs touch when I put my feet together, which is something that's never EVER happened to me before, my stomach, though starting to tone up nicely from being back at ballet is hidden by hideous layers of fat, and even my neck looked fatter. Ew. Earlier on that same day, I was talking to someone when they blurted out "gosh, you're so pretty". All I could think of how much prettier I'd be if I was just six kilos lighter.

Only liquids today to prove to myself that I am strong enough for this. Because that's what we are, strong. Stronger than most. We know what we want, we know our goals and we have the strength to get there. You guys are truly amazing, you really are.

Stay strong, live life, and follow your dreams.
Xx. Lillie

Ps. My parents are completely against the whole vitamin thing ("you should be getting enough from your food"). Anyone got any ideas of how I can help my hair without taking vitamins??

Missing in Action.

Lacking enthusiasm.

I dyed my hair and it all started falling out, scared me outta my wits!

I can bet you my hair is the thinnest you have ever seen, its always been like that, even before all of 'this stuff' began, so losing some of it is seriously scary stuff! It actually shocked me out of this whole thing.

I've been eating like a normal person again, not so much because i want to, but because there's no point in being thin if you have no hair left! It's mostly because of the hair dye (there's no way im doing that again!) but i have a feeling its been suffering from lack of nutrients as well. Its so weird willing myself to eat, but my hair is still really really weak and is still getting thinner, though not as rapidly as before. I've stopped straightening it, and am eating again to keep it healthy, but i just wish it would go back to the way it was. Im not bald or anything, but its noticeably thinner.

So i probably won't be posting much... i don't feel i deserve to when all of you are doing so well and i am eating huge amounts to keep hair in my head.

On the plus side im back at ballet, which means most of the extra kilos im seeing are just muscle mass. It's so nice to feel strong again. I'm finally getting my muscles back :)

Please Please Please get well soon my precious hair...

As for the rest of you,

Stay Strong, Live Life, and NEVER EVER dye your hair if it's as thin as mine.

Xx. Lillie

Im back!

School today was fine. I have a great class, and although i have some not-so-great teachers, i have some ok ones as well...

Now that I'm back at school it's so much easier to avoid all the food! Green tea for breakfast, a small salad consisting of mainly lettuce for lunch, a handful of nuts when i get home, and as little as possible for dinner... perfect :)

I have ballet in a little while so this post can't be too long...

The weather is so hot here it's driving me crazy! I almost died walking home from school. Luckily it's not that far...

I have to get ready for ballet, so i promise a longer post later...

Stay Strong, Live Life, and AVOID THE HEAT!

Xx. Lillie

Hey guys, sorry i haven't been around lately, I'm taking a break until i return to school, which is only a week away now. I just have so much stuff to do before then...

Stay Strong, Live life, and Have Fun :)

Xx. Lillie

The mindset from my last post is gone :)

Hey!

In a much better mood than last post :)

No soul searching, just realized to trust the logical side of my brain.

People who live on the edge are much more likely to fall off it!

Anyway, i wrote this yesterday and didn't get around to posting it so.....

Ugh. The past three days have just been one big eating contest. My 
brain just kept going "eat now cos u won't tomorrow. So, to make up 
for it, I'm fasting for the next two or three days. 
Tea, freshly made juice, 
water, and coffee if I really need it. The plan is to last for two, 
maybe three days although i will still consider it a success if I only 
last for one.

I really want to get back into shape before I go back to school. 
I'm actually looking forward to going back. The stress of the school 
work strips off kilos, as does the running from class to class, and 
not having the opportunity to eat 24/7 is a huge bonus.
 My plan? Restrict on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays and Fridays and to fast on Wednesdays.                               

 I know it will be hard for the first week or so, but after the pattern forms and my body and brain conform to the idea then it will become almost like a second nature. 

The reason for fasting on Wednesdays, is because it is the one weekday that I do not have ballet, so although I still go running, I don't need to have nearly as much 
energy as I do when I have a ballet class. Other wise the plan will be 
an apple and green tea for breakfast, a small salad consisting of 
tomato, lettuce, cucumber and capsicum for lunch, about 150 cals tops? 
A handful of nuts (I just bought a huge packet) before ballet and as 
little of dinner as possible. I love salad, even before I began this 
whole thing, so I doubt I will get sick of it, an apple is an apple 
and my parents don't really watch me eat, so the dinner part is easy.
 As long as I stick with this, I will be thin in no time. I can't wait to see my friends reactions when I finally make the transformation from the thin one to the perfect one.
 I know I can do this, and I will.

Anyway, there's all my new resolve. I'm still trying to figure out how to post some of my music up for you guys to take a look at, but its not easy. 
Apparently i can upload pictures and videos, but not music. Any ideas on how i can put it up?
I wanna know what you guys think :)

Its almost four and i still haven't eaten anything. I always feel like i need food most at around 6-7 ,so that's when my sister and i are making apple, pineapple, orange and carrot juice, YUM :)

Stay Strong, Live Life, and remember, its not the falling down that matters, but how you pick yourself up afterwards. 
Xx. Lillie

Lost.

I'm confused, impatient, and i feel like i don't know who i am...

And when that happens, i eat. Not a lot, but more than usual.

I just want to dance again. I miss the control, i miss my teacher, i miss the rock hard muscles that have slowly faded over the holidays. I miss the music, the long hours and the hard work. I just want to go back. It's only two weeks until i do, but it feels like an eternity.

I feel like i don't know who i am anymore, and the uncertainty unsettles me. I don't quite know how to explain it.

And on top of all this, one of my oldest friends wants to hook up with me, and said it completely outta the blue, he doesn't like me, he just wants to hook up and just asked me if i would sneak out to meet him. There's no way im doing that...

I still don't know what im gonna do...

Agh. I wish i had a fairy godmother to tell me which way to go, to assure me it was all going to be ok.

Sorry this is such a melancholy post, i just don't know what's going on with me...

Ten days til school starts. To get ready, its going fast, restrict, fast, restrict for the next ten days. Then back on abc after that. At least my determination is still with me.

The Battle

I don't need a slap in the face,

I'm already at the bottom of the sea.
Should have known this armour was heavy when the battle was declared by me.

But you weren't listening too hard,
Under every word's a jaded heart.
And you weren't listening too hard, now were you.

Can you pull your head out a moment.

Try to find a second just to breathe

I was trying to be a picture, a pillar of solidity you see.
But you weren't listening too hard,
Under every word's a jaded heart.

Now give me your best and I'll take it, feel it, breathe it,
Then watch me throw it back to you.

'Cause you weren't listening too hard,
Under every word's a jaded heart.
Now give me your best and I'll take it, feel it, breathe it,
And watch me throw it back to you.

I do not like pizza. But had to eat it. Oh well, minor setback.

Feeling rather upbeat today, although a little wistful as well...

You know, the whole "i wonder what would have happened if I'd..."

Oh well, I've been too scared to do things i wish i had done, but you can't go back and change things now. What's done is done, here's to looking to the future.

Xx. Lillie

Did some editing and re-arranging, let me know what you think.

Xx. Lillie

Food for today:

2/3 of a slice of bread

1 avocado sushi roll

Lettuce & Balsamic Vinegar

4 Almonds.

All up around 350?

Im estimating here because i have no idea how much the bread was...

I look at that list and think, well it's not that much.

But im wondering why i feel like i failed?

Still, i suppose you have to have bad days to have good days, otherwise everything would just be the same, and wouldn't that be boring!

Getting my wall painted soon, a lovely blue colour :)

Unfortunately it meant i had to take down my display.

Allow me to explain: Daddy dearest had all these frames, so i took them and created a display in each one of people i admire. I plan to make more, but so far the list consists of:

Anna Pavlova

A famous ballet dancer who revolutionized the design of the modern-day pointe shoe. Tragically, she developed an injury and she had to choose between living and dancing. There was no choice for her, ballet was her everything.

Agatha Christie (Queen of Crime)

An infamous crime writer who overcame the hurdles posed against female writers and the emotional pain of a cheating husband to claim the record for best-selling author of all time.

Michael Jackson

Now known as the King of Pop, Michael was truly incredible. He overcame racism, revolutionized the making of video clips and donated millions to charities, as well as starting one himself (The Heal the World foundation).

Not to mention his indescribable voice and phenomenal dance moves.

He was able to convey more emotion through his songs than anyone else ever had before him, and ever will again, and sang straight from his heart. There will never be another able to equal his talents and achievements, and as long as his music is kept alive, so is he.

R.I.P Michael Jackson.

Amelia Earhart: First female to fly around the world.

Ray Charles: A truly inspirational person, who let nothing stand in the way of his music.

There are more, but I'm not going to list them all.

This wall is what inspires me more than anything else. These are people who never gave up, no matter what obstacles appeared in their way.

People who poured their heart and soul into what they believed in, and never looked back.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and Never Give up Hope.

Xx. Lillie

You know, i think this whole Abc thing is working not because it's such a great diet, but because i refuse to eat up to the calories im supposed to. Today i was meant to eat 350cals. I had maybe 50cals of tomato soup and half a sushi roll (mother dearest bought it for me, had to eat some of it). The weird thing was, i didn't feel hungry at all. I felt full, iv been feeling full all day, which is really strange. Family is all having dinner soon, but its gonna be pretty easy to get out of, it always is. My family isn't one to all sit down and do the whole "dinner is family time thing".

Im so happy right now its strange. I'm not eating because iv finally realised that in the end, it's not worth it, that achieving my goals gives greater a satisfaction and sense of elation than food ever could. The success i feel now is incredible, and im going to make it last.

Stay Strong, live life and never forget how special you are.

Xx. Lillie

Day three went well :)

Am happy as a lark :)

My weight is zooming down, and my levels of happiness are zooming up thanks to a new certain someone :)

If i could share my motivation at the moment with all of you, i wouldn't hesitate to do so, it comes to me in bountiful quantities.

The future is full of hope, and a thinner me :)

Stay Strong, Live Life :)

Xx. Lillie

Missing your comments :(

Day Two of ABC and all is brilliant.

Two days down, 48 to go with ABC.
Only two and a half weeks until i go back to school...
I really hope that's enough time to make a noticeable difference.
I want to be able to walk into that school with my head held high, knowing that i made it.
I want them to see the difference.

My calorie intake for today is about 120, and that's it for today.
After i finish typing this im going to clean my room to within an inch of it's life (although looking round, it's pretty clean already) and then i'll clean the rest of the house. I feel so motivated right now its amazing. I know that what i want is attainable, as long as i have the strength and willpower to keep going.


I've never told you, i don't know why
But all those years, and all those lies
Cling to my body like oil and fire.
They will not sleep, they will not tire.

So we have a problem you see my dear
Cos i can't move on but i can't stay here
I've gotta fix it, leave the tears
And mostly now i need your ears

Cos iv gotta tell you,
I need you to know
You saved me from ruin when you took hold
You showed me the truth in the lies I'd been told
So im finally getting off this dusty road.

Back Home

I flew home after a week away today. Unfortunately, the person I was staying with was a nutritionist, so it was literally impossible to avoid eating. All that food, ugh. I feel like such a failure. I missed a lot of things while I was away, but most of all I missed, and still miss the empty feeling in my stomach that I love so much. They also didn't have wireless Internet, so I couldn't write on my blog, or read any of yours, and I missed all of your company dearly. I missed being able to talk to people who understand rather than ridicule.

Anyway, I reluctantly decided to postpone my new years resolutions until I got back from my "holiday". Which means that as of tomorrow I will become the perfect little Ana that I strive to be, beginning with the abc diet, if any of you want to join me, you're most welcome :)

I can feel the extra pounds I gained dragging me down, and that other little nagging voice "eat, it can't do any harm, you know you want it, just take it, what harm could it do?". I'll tell you what harm it does, it reverses all the hard work you've done so far, it bashes Ana to the back of my mind,and does its best to make you as heavy it possibly can.
Luckily, the minute I got back home, ana was back again, Reprimanding me, and screaming at the other voice until it disappeared completely.
Welcome home.
Xx.

Because inevitably, what you used to be,

Will be tainted by the hand of curiosity,

And you will never, no you will never

See with just your eyes again.

And this is the day that everything changes

And your world stops turning

Running straight into the brake lights

You've come to nothing

This is the day, that everything changes,

And your worlds collide

You know in time, you'll wake to find

You're a little unbroken.

So how can i explain

The isolated rain that follows you

And wouldn't you agree running always slows you down

So welcome the pain

Stop yourself from delaying it

Because the real life, will never go away.