So far today:

One boiled egg

2 ryvita crackers

10 sultanas

One nectarine

Calorie Count: Around 250. No more food for me today...

New Year, New Strength

Keep up those resolutions, they will all pay off...

Xx. Lillie

New Years Resolutions

I have a lot this year, but I'll put the most important ones down here:

With the beginning of the new year, i resolve to:

1. Drink at least one cup of green tea a day.

2. Abstain from eating any form of junk food (not that i eat much anyway)

3. Do at least an hour of physical activity per day (where possible)

4. Maintain my status as school dux.

5. Never be above 47kgs ever again

6. Binge no more than once every two months

Oh, and today i found brand new motivation. I don't usually like mentioning my relationships on my blog (i like to keep some things to myself), but there was this one guy who was just amazing, he was my best friend, my boyfriend, the guy i tell everything to. We dated for a while about two years back. Anyway, about a month ago he began texting me, asking what it would be like if we decided to go out again. We were about to make plans to meet up again when he shut me out completely, and not just me, but everyone connected to me. I discovered a couple of days ago that he got a girlfriend about three weeks after he shut me out. I don't even know her, and yet i hate her, which is nothing like me, but it's just one of those things that i can't help. Anyway, she just moved away. I'm not mad at him, we have known each other since the very beginning of primary school, i couldn't be mad at him. Besides, there's nothing to be mad about anyway, its not like we were together when he and this other girl started dating. See, this is why i don't talk about relationships, it just ends up as one big ramble. So, my final resolve, is that the next time i see this guy, i want him to be blown away, simple as that, oh, and to have the courage to actually suggest we meet up again.

Anyway, i hope you all find the strength to stick to your resolutions, i know i have.

Happy New Year :)

Xx. Lillie

Ugh, what is wrong with me??

I'm not even going to go into what i ate yesterday, it was all healthy, but i just ate so much of it. Mother dearest made me a sandwich for dinner and it all went downhill from there...

Anyway, today is a new day. Am not eating today simply because i don't feel like it. I know i can do this, i just have to stop failing myself. It's easy, i just have to keep myself on track.

Only today and tomorrow until the New Year :)

Im looking forward to it so much. A new decade, a new year, a new start.

I can't wait to shed the old and embrace the new. I want to go back to school and watch their faces, see them wish they had the willpower i have, the will we all have. I don't consider myself a true anorexic, simply because a)I'm not thin enough, and b) i refuse to let what i eat control my life, i just acknowledge that this lifestyle is a part of me.

I have decided to post my New Years Resolutions at 11:45 on the 31st of December, my way of welcoming the change and saying goodbye to this year.

No more binges, no more junk. I will eat, but what i want, when i need it, and nothing else. I refuse to purge or use laxatives because i believe that if i fail, i should have to pay the price.

Anyway, this post is sort of turning into a ramble on my whacked out principles, which was not the general intention...

My point is, 2010. A new year, a new life. Who's with me?

Stay Strong, live life :)

Xx. Lillie

Ana buddies anyone?

I've been thinking about this for a while now, but i never really get around to putting the subject in one of my posts. Reading the comments i get from this blog is so great. It's amazing to be able to talk to people who know what you're going through, and not just look at you like "why the hell would you do that." Anyway, if any of you wanna be email buddies let me know. A texting buddy would be awesome, but i know that most of you don't live in Australia, so it kinda makes it really expensive...

Anyway, let me know, you girls are amazing, every one of you, and i would be honored to have you as a friend :)

Xx. Lillie

Halfway through the day, and all I've had is one cup of green tea.

Ah, it feels so good to be in control of what i eat again. Reading everyone else's blogs really does keep me motivated :)

Thankyou so much to all the people who commented on my last post (yer, the mini freak out one)

And you know what? I really think I'm going to make it! Am down two pounds (one kilo) already!

Was asked to make dinner so i couldn't get out for my usual run, but i am definitely going today. The whole idea of just trying to eat as little as possible at this time of year really wasn't working for me, so now i plan what I'm going to eat(or not eat) the day before. Today is a nothing day, ugh, the past three days of eating have put me off food completely. Tomorrow i think I'll have an apple and maybe a boiled egg. The day after that im planning on making my favourite lentil soup, but a bowl of that is about 350 calories, so that will be all for that day. I know that i can do it if i put my mind to it.

Stay Strong, we never know what's really in us until we give it our all.

Xx. Lillie

Please Please Please

After the big Christmas feast...

46.5kgs. Uh oh...

ONE WEEK until i leave for Melbourne...

I don't know if i can do this...

3kgs (six pounds) in ONE WEEK??

EEEK!!!!

I'm going to make it! I will!! I will!!

I hope...

Hope you guys are doing better than me.

So far today:

One coffee

A small Christmas chocolate (forced on me by mother dearest)

About ten cherries

Two slices of ham.

Why can't i stop eating??

No more food today.

Going for a run soon. I NEED to burn these calories...

Xx. Lillie

No!!

Well, it was Christmas. So i ate, and ate, and ate. Ugh, the scale has zoomed back up to... 46!!

Ugh, oh well, if i can put it on that easily, i can shed it that easily too. Water has become my new best friend. Feeling like a prawn? Drink some water. Eying the chocolate i got for Christmas? Drink more water. I shall be thin in no time. Let's just hope i can keep this up.

Only eight days to go...

Xx. Lillie

Christmas Eve :)

I met my friends in town today for lunch. We've been meaning to go for ages, but never seem to get around to it. Anyway, the place we went to is 100% vegetarian and its GREAT. I had the chow mein, which is usually pretty calorie packed, but this one is pretty much just steamed veggies like spinach and bok choy. Anyway, it tasted delicious. I also went and bought some last minute Christmas presents for my family, a box of chocolates for mum and dad, and a dvd for my sister. 

I've only just got back from my run. It feels so good to be back into doing it on a daily basis again. Although it doesn't tire me out like it used to, so I'm trying to find a longer track. It's not just the running i enjoy while I'm out there either. Some of you who have read my profile would know that i love to sing, and when I'm out there in the wilderness, i can sing at the top of my lungs, as long and as loud as i like, with no one but a few kangaroos to hear me. I suppose it's my version of an emotional outlet in a way, but it clears my head and always renews my determination. 

For me, tomorrow is Christmas Day. I love Christmas, it's the one time of the year when the world seems to just stop as people take time to relax and enjoy the company of their family, whether they usually get on or not. The downside, of course, is all the food, but i know i can work it all off again. My family puts all the food out at around 11:30 in the morning, and everyone just helps themselves. We never really worry about dinner, because everyone is so full with whatever else they've eaten. It's mainly just ham, fruit and prawns anyway. 

I have to go and prepare the sushi for tomorrow, so I'd better get off the computer...

Merry Christmas :)

Xx. Lillie

Up and Running

FINALLY had time to go for a run :)

It felt great to be back on the track that i now know so well. I felt like i needed a run after the two butter filled cookies i ate today. The grease on the keyboard left from my fingers while they were typing the last post reminds me of just how butter-filled they really were. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve! I can't believe how quickly this year seems to have gone by. Its amazing how sometimes the year just seems to drag on and on, until it's almost gone! I'm off to wrap the Christmas presents i bought for my family. 

Xx. Lillie 

Christmas Time

I'm in the middle of making "christmas cookie" I'm also making some gingerbread men. So far today I've eaten a little over half a mango. I've been trying not to snack on the cookies, but i had to taste them so I had one of each. My parents are going out to dinner for work tonight, my sister and i were going to go but she's sick so I'm staying home to look after her, so no dinner again for me tonight. It's probably a good thing considering I've probably just eaten 400cal of cookies. Ugh, luckily i don't think I'll be tempted to eat anymore, especially considering that each cookie is 3/4 butter. Will probably post more later. 

Xx. Lillie

45.

Yes!! Finally made it to 45kgs (thats 99lbs) :)

Today was a good day :) 

Getting to 45 gave me the encouragement i needed. Still, it's only three days till Christmas, so i deserved a couple of treats. Luckily they were all healthy. So far today I've had one small mango and four sticks of celery with blended peanuts. Thats only about 255 calories so far, and I'm making dinner tonight so that's it for the day really. 

Only ELEVEN days to go till i leave for Melbourne. EEK! Still, i reckon i can make it. That's a kilo a week to lose. Hmm....

I'm really looking forward to Christmas this year. My parents never know what to buy me, so they let me pick one big present and they get me little ones like chocolate (which i usually give away). Anyway, this year they got me a kick-ass sound system. Up until now I've only had a little blue CD player thats just about to die and my trusty imac, a computer too good to wreck the speakers on it by playing my music too loud. My little sister is getting a Wii console, which is gonna make Christmas Day interesting as well as being extremely handy when it's too hot to go for a run. 

I am now only .5kgs (one pound) heavier than my sister, who is a year and a half younger than me. I've gotta go and finish dinner... (we're having honey soy chicken) 

Stay strong, be happy.

Xx. Lillie

Hmph. I was all prepared to step up my plans for when i leave for Melbourne when Daddy dearest came home early for once and made dinner. The only thing I'd eaten all day was a piece of toast, and i didn't want to disappoint my Dad (for some weird reason he gets all happy when we eat food he's cooked) so i ended up eating a lot. Well, not a lot for the average person, but a lot for me. Still, i suppose it was all healthy, it was just chicken, capsicum, mushroom, onion and pineapple on a stick really. So i guess my plans were set back a day. Oh well, it just means I'll have to work harder during the days i have left. 

I'm going Christmas shopping with my friend today so i got up early and took the dog for a run. Unless mum gets home to make dinner early again tonight, i don't think I'll eat anything today. I'll buy some chewing gum and a water bottle when i get into town and that should set me up for the day. I've been so busy these past two days that i haven't had time to go for a proper, long run. I feel so lazy now so there's no way I'm missing tonight's run. 

Anyone decided upon their New Years Resolutions yet? I've got mine all planned :)

Stay strong, have fun, be happy.

Xx. Lillie

Really just a morning ramble...

I decided yesterday that i was going to eat whatever i wanted. I decided to unleash a year's worth of cravings, just to get it out of my system. I ate barely any of the things i had planned to, but even so i know i will regret it.

Luckily, my plan worked! Half the things I ate didn't taste as good as i used to think they did anyway. And now that i've eaten them, i don't want to eat them anymore. Chocolate is too sweet, lollies are too sugary, chips are too salty or just plain foul. I never really liked all that junk food, but now i doubt i will ever want to taste any of it ever again. I think that sometimes, when you go without for too long, things seem to be better than they really are. Now, I'm finally free, free from food and the cravings that go with it. (Wow, that's the first time I've ever felt good about a binge...) 

Now i can focus on what i really want, and obtain the image i so desperately seek. I'm going to continue my daily 10km run, not just because it burns calories like hell, but also because, I enjoy the feeling or freedom i get when i run. It never ceases to amaze me just how much further i can go after my mind tells me there is nothing left. I'm also adding a whole lot more to my daily routine. I've got the usual skipping and jumps and things, but is there any other exercises that you guys know of that i can do in my room? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated :)

Oh, and an interesting development on the whole cousin thing... A couple of weeks ago i got a new haircut, anyway, my cousin saw the pictures on facebook and decided that it looked so good that she went out and got the exact same haircut...

I have to be thin by the time i fly to Melbourne. I will become the person i strive to be. 

Stay strong, reach for the stars, and be happy. 

Xx. Lillie

Well that was weird...

After what i ate yesterday, my weight has actually gone down...

Not a whole lot, but it went down... well that was weird.

Random Reflection: My parents work just about 24/7. They have two days off a year, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. They rarely get home to make dinner before 9:30, which is good in a way. It feels weird when i go over to friends houses for dinner because I'm just not used to the whole 'sit at the table and eat dinner at 7 o'clock thing.' Anyway, my point is that although i do miss my parents company, it makes it easy for me to eat/not eat whenever i want. 

Fifteen days to go...

You know I'm kinda freaking out that I'm not gonna be thin enough in time...

I just spent the whole morning cleaning the house (another thing my parents rarely have time for) so i probably burnt a fair few calories there. I'm not going to do the dishes though, that's a job I'm leaving to my sister. My sister is one of those people who finds it easy to sit back and let other people do everything for them. I'm the opposite. On the rare occasion that my mum is home early, and starts cleaning up, i feel obligated to help. I just don't see how my sister is able to sit there watching everyone else busy around her and not feel that she should be helping too. She and I are so different that it's kind of amusing. 

I wish i could still do ballet. I miss the music, my teacher, the technique, the exercises, the control of it all. I miss the feeling i get when i finally get a step right, and the strong determination that builds up inside me when i don't. I miss how strong i feel when i dance. Now i just feel weak, both inside and out. I can feel my muscles slowly fading away, my flexibility getting less and less, and the determination i had has gone too.  Then again, i know the minute i return it will all come flooding back like it does at the start of every year, and that feeling is almost worth being away for so long. 

Anyway, with yesterday's failures behind me, I'm more determined than ever to reach my goals before i leave for Melbourne. I'm off to finish my cleaning...

Be Happy, Stay Strong. 

Xx. Lillie

Jinxed...

Yup, you guessed it, i jinxed myself. 

I went all the way till 5:30pm with no food. 

There was a bread roll on the bench and i just thought "this is silly, what am i expecting to gain from not eating this?" And it wasn't just a small bread roll either, it was HUGE.

Ugh i was so disgusted with myself that went for a run and just ran and ran, but i doubt i burnt it all off. I can feel it lying in my stomach. My muscles are going to be so sore tomorrow, but its worth it. I'm so disappointed in myself right now. I was doing so well and now i feel like its all just gone to waste.

Lillie.

Chocolate Ripple...

Anyone know a good cure for hiccups? I swear this is about the tenth time i've had them so far today. 

Yesterday was another good day. I keep expecting myself to stuff up, but i haven't yet. Although i bet i've just jinxed myself in saying that. 

Well, i almost stuffed up, but i managed to stop myself just in time. All I'd eaten yesterday was half an apple and two cups of green tea (I love green tea). I was just about to go to bed when i saw a packet of chocolate ripple biscuits on the bench. Usually i hate junk food, it's all so sickeningly sweet and unhealthy, but these biscuits are the one sugar packed thing that really gets to me. And i never seem to be able to stop at one, i have to have another, and another, and another, until I've eaten about ten and feel like a pig. Anyway, i decided I'd worked hard enough for half a biscuit of chocolaty goodness (i ran for about ten kms straight yesterday). But as soon as I'd finished that half, i felt my hand inching towards the other half, and the rest of the biscuits. As soon as i realized this i stopped, and went to have a shower to wash away all the thoughts of those biscuits filled with nothing but carbs and sugar. Having written it down, it doesn't seem like much, but it's these small victories on my part that keep me going, it's small battles like these that keep me fighting the war, because in the end, i know it will all be worth it. Speaking of which....

Sixteen days and counting...

Potentially boring piece of text:

I'm still on holidays, so i just spent my day pottering around the house and ended up sorting through this box of old earrings i have. You know, the ones with all the broken hooks, the ones you just don't like any more... Actually, these ones had mostly just lost their partners, so i decided to do something with them. I used to be quite a jewellery maker, so i fished out a pair of jewellery pliers and took all the earring hooks off them. I ended up combining them all and putting them onto what now looks like an over filled charm bracelet. It's really different from anything else I've made, but i like it. 

Oh and before i forget, thankyou to all the people who read my blog, especially those of you who comment, it's nice to know that I'm not just rambling to myself on the internet. :)

Have decided not to eat anything at all today. I like the feeling of lightness (is that even a  word?) that accompanies it. Weighed myself this morning, am still 45.5 kgs, but there's only two more kilos to shift until i reach my goal, although to be honest, I would love to be able to say "I'm 40 kilograms".

Be Happy.

Xx. Lillie

New Years Resolutions

Getting ahead and writing my New Years Resolutions out early...

Last year i kept two of them..

This year i wanna keep them ALL.

What are some of yours?

Running, and other things

I've been keeping up my running, and slowly but surely, i can tell the difference between each run. I can go that little bit faster, that little bit longer, and be that little bit stronger.

Seventeen days until Melbourne and counting...

Rambling Reflection: Eating's not really that big of a thing for me. I don't have a problem with stuffing my face with crap because, to be honest, really don't like it all that much. My only real weaknesses are things like watermelon, it seems so light that i can eat slices and slices of it before i realise how much of it has disappeared...

I went out to lunch with my friends yesterday, and i got a strange sense of satisfaction from watching them all eat. It gave me a weird feeling of power, knowing that i could sit there quite happily while they all ate whatever food they'd bought and not feel hungry in the least. One of my friends bought me a sushi roll, but it wasn't that nice, the feeling of emptiness i had at that point felt better. 

Anyway, that's enough rambling for me today, although knowing me, there will be another post here before i go to bed tonight. 

Live big, be happy. 

Xx. Lillie

Dentist

Ugh, went to the dentist today. How i hate dentists.

No fillings, which is good i suppose. She just cleaned them, which felt so so weird and uncomfortable. On the plus side, i cannot eat anything for the next couple of hours, which works for me. Made my red bracelet today :) 

Have decided to write down whatever i eat in my journal, will probably stop me from eating so much. Still 45.5kgs (100 pounds)...

Xx. Lillie.

New Beginnings

Hey!!

Holidays have finally arrived, and along with it comes all this free time :)

That's one of the reasons I'm starting this blog, it kills time, plus i really like writing, and sharing my story with the world (even if no one reads it).

Me: Well, me is me. I play the piano, sing ALL the time and I love my bunch of hippyish music friends and the music we create together (i love writing my own songs).

I do ballet five days a week, and love every minute. But as it's holidays, there's no ballet either:(

Thats the bad thing about holidays, with no ballet, i feel so lazy doing nothing all day. I go running for about 7kms a day but i feel its not nearly enough. I don't eat much "junk" food, most of its gross. My friends kiddingly accuse me of being anorexic, i don't believe i am, not yet anyway. I still eat, but only stuff i know that's good for me, and very small amounts. 

My sister and I fly to Melbourne to visit my cousins soon. My mum went to visit them earlier this year, and came back saying how thin my cousin looked. Now, i love my cousins, one of them is 18 now, and let me tell you, he's amazing. My other cousin, his sister, is spoilt rotten. I love her, but i also love competing with her. I've always been the thin one, but last time i visited, she was thinner than me. My competitive streak, whilst not very evident on the surface, is huge. I just feel like if im not best, i haven't tried hard enough. I doesn't matter what it is, whether its grades, a race, anything. That's why i love ballet so much i suppose. Not only do i love the dancing, and the feeling of being free that accompanies it, but i also love the feeling of control. You can be the best ballet dancer in the world, and you still have to work at every step, every exercise, because if you don't have it, you work at it until you get it. When you get it, you work like hell to keep it.  

Anyway, it's eighteen days until i fly to see them. And i want them to see the difference. I am stronger than anyone knows, i have a goal, i stick to it. Last week i was hideously sick, i had a fever for three days straight, and since then, iv gone from 49kgs to 45.5kgs. My plan? I'm going to get down to at least 43kgs before i leave. 

I also want to see the look on my friends faces when i go back to school next year and they see how much i've changed. I also got a new haircut next week, i love it, and its also completely different. If it takes resorting to my old habits of ana to get there, so be it.

 I will be thin, i will be perfect. 

Stay Strong 

Xx. Lillie