FAT.

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FAT.

I hate what I've become.

Eifikfjebrbfnf.

I wrote a nice long post, that I'd like to think was mildly entertaining, and just as I'd finished, safari quit. Grrrr.

I'll have to write it out again this afternoon when I have time...

They've put a scale in the boarding house.

It's fate.

I'll find out by how much I've ballooned tomorrow.
32 days until I go home.

I don't care about food anymore. I just want to be thin.

Xx. Lillie

I got caught up in the excitement of the weekend.
I ate a shitload.
Oh well.

I've written out what I'm going to eat for the next four weeks. I hope I'll be thin enough by the time I go home. I'm so scared this weight's not going to shift. I'll arrive back home and people will wonder how I got so fat.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I'm not going to let that happen.

No time to write.

I'm not eating to today. I'm going for a run this afternoon.
Let's see how this goes.

Xx. Lillie

I did it I did it I did it!

I successfully got through the day without eating anything yesterday. Today was alright, not good but alright. Tomorrow will be better. I'm considering not eating again for tomorrow. I'm just so happy to be back in my own mind. I'm able to look at food without going OMFG GIMME GIMME GIMME I'M GOING TO EAT EVERYTHING ON THAT TRAY!

I have a bunch of essays to write, so I'll have to write a longer post later.

I'm going shopping on Friday, and I'm a bit stuck on what to buy. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Recipes, low calorie foods that won't go off quickly?

I sincerely love you all.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and if I can do this, anyone can.

Xx. Lillie

Eating Shmeating.

I'm back, I'm back, I'm really really back.
*Does a lengthy, ridiculous-looking happy dance*

It's so easy not to eat!
Today I've had one cup of black instant coffee and a cup of peppermint tea.

It's almost four in the afternoon and that's all I'm going to consume.
It's so easy at boarding school. All the food is shut away in the dining hall. As long as I don't go near that dreaded room, I'm fine.

Yesterday I threw out what was left of the loaf of bread I had so I wouldn't be tempted. Now all the snacks I have left are some dried plums (yum!). Part of my brain is going WOOHOOO!! YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU DON'T HAVE TO EAT TOMORROW EITHER!
But the logical side of me knows that my brain does need some energy other than caffeine to function. I have subjects where I actually need my brain to function tomorrow, so I think the plan shall be coffee in the morning, three dried plums at break, two dried plums after school. Perhaps a little salad for lunch if my friends want to eat in the dining hall.

I think Tuesdays from now until I leave will be non eating days. Now I know that I can do this, I want this weight off as quickly as possible.

I'm reading Portia de Rossi's autobiography at the moment (Thanks to iBooks, I can now buy books without leaving the comfort of my room) It's called Unbearable Lightness, and is pretty much all about (you guessed it) her eating disorder.

I want to lose five kilograms in five and a half weeks. Is it possible? I don't know. But I sure as hell am going to do everything in my power to make it happen.

Xx. Lillie

EDIT: I just went back and re-read some of my old posts. I can't believe I got down to 45 kgs. My new goal is to weigh, and maintain a weight of, 44kgs or less. I am quite a competitive person by nature, and the one person I love to beat most is myself.

Never give up, if I can do this, you most definitely can. I dug myself into a huge hole, and I'm finally digging myself out.