I've had my feast. 

Now it's time to get serious. 

Goodbye food. 

Hello thin. 

I have to be scooting off for work in a moment so this will have to be quick...

IT'S RAINING!!!!!!!!!!
IT'S FREEZING!!!!!!!!
I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thankyou Global Warming :)

Damn dinner.
We should be like the British and have a big lunch and a little dinner.
Lunches are easily avoidable.
Dinners are not.

Stupid weight. RUN AWAY ALREADY. YOU ARE NOT WANTED HERE.

Xx. Lillie

All over the place.

Hello all.

I haven't written in a while simply because I've been running around like a mad thing and have only just found time to stop for a minute. I have various pieces of news to share with you all.

Monday was my first day at my new job! I don't really even know how i got it. One minute i was at home enjoying some time off and the next i was working in a pharmacy. I spend most of my day packing pills, but in a strange way i enjoy it. Doing the same, methodical tasks each day is.. reassuring i guess. AND it takes my mind off food completely. Each day i wake up at 6:30, do some pilates, get ready for work, ignore breakfast completely and make my way to work. At lunchtime i walk around idly, buy a single sushi roll and get back to work. By the time i get home from work at five I'm not even hungry and eventually nibble at dinner.

It's strange. Food doesn't tempt me anymore. I used to crave food. Not so much the feeling of food, but simply the taste. Now i just think of it as fuel. I've finally broken my connection with food and i intend to keep it that way.

I've been barely eating all week. Not intentionally, i just don't feel like it. About once a day the logical side of my brain kicks in and says "you need to eat something" and i eat whatever's lying around. Usually it's a sandwich or something, but i for once i don't fuss about how many calories are in it, or whether something else would be better. I just eat it.
Argh. My brain just isn't working today. I'm attempting to share my thoughts but they just don't want to come out of my head. I'll keep trying anyway.

I'm still wondering about what is going to happen with R when i get back to school...

Wow. This is my 100th post.

My brain is all over the place today.

I'm considering changing the layout of my blog, but i kinda like the simplicity of how it is at the moment.
What do you guys think?

I'll have to add more to this later.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and Be Happy.
Xx. Lillie

I wish i could relive the events of that night again and again.

Holidays are strange.
All the days blend into one.
You seem to be doing nothing and everything at the same time.

It's a strange feeling...

There was one camp experience that i completely forgot to mention.
Love.
Friendly love?
Actual love?
Who knows.

This is probably going to be a load of non-sensical rambling so skip to the bottom if you wish...

Let's call him R.
I've known him since i was ten.
He has the most amazing personality of anyone i know.
He is who he is, and doesn't let anything change him.
He's quirky, unusual, hilarious, and his kindness is almost incomprehensible.

Back to camp, it was the last night, and we were all huddled around the campfire.
R and i started off just sitting next to each other, and ended up snuggled as close as could be, my head on his shoulder and his arms around me. We just sat and talked and laughed, pulling out beanies over our faces at one point to joke about being marshmallow ninjas.

Being out there, in the middle of nowhere with the fire flickering brightly, casting playful shadows on our faces, sitting under the stars, it was easily the most romantic setting I've ever been in. We talked and snuggled until the fire turned to nothing more than glowing embers.

Things happen on school camps that would never happen anywhere else, and those things are hardly ever mentioned afterwards. It's as if a spell has been cast, a spell that slowly but surely fades away in time.

By the time we go back to school, i doubt things will be any different than when we left. R and i will still be just friends, and I'm alright with that, but I will never forget that night. I feel like shouting it from the roof tops, telling it to anyone who will listen. But i don't, i just let it circle around and around my head, like the dream that never was. I wouldn't trade that night for anything in the world.

I know things will go back to just the way they were, but a piece of me hopes against hope that they won't.

I'm looking forward to returning to school and seeing their faces as they see how much I've changed, how much I've lost physically. how much I've gained emotionally.
I only hope the change will be big enough for them to notice.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and remember the small things, because those are often the ones that make the most difference.
Xx. Lillie

Babble Babble Babble.

Hello.

I haven't posted for so long that i don't really know where to start, so excuse the babbling nature of this post.

Camp was amazing. I abseiled down a twenty metre cliff, completed a high ropes course that was just as high, and got to know the people in my group so much better. The food was disgusting, and packed full of calorific ingredients. Macaroni and cheese? The cheese part being nothing more than seven blocks of cheese? Who comes up with this stuff? Ugh. But after all the activities we did i couldn't help but eat 'food' we had on camp. And my gosh, i ate a lot of it too.

The only other downside was working as a team 24/7. I had no time to stop and think, no time to just stop and have some time to myself. No time to sing. I was singing songs in my head throughout the entire camp and today i woke up, plugged in my ipod, and sung to my heart's content. It felt so good.

On other slightly less positive news, 50.8
The word ew has never been more appropriate.

I have a primary school friend who goes to a boarding school now. I love her dearly, but every time she comes back home, i can feel her eyes on me, sizing me up, comparing me to her. She's pretty big boned and very very tall. I don't like how i sound in my head when i say things like this, because it makes me sound so mean, bitchy, self-centred etc, but i know she is jealous of me. Of how i look, of who i am. She builds herself up when she's around me to make herself seem cooler, and i feel myself doing the same thing. Last time i met up with her i wore a bikini, for the first time. Ever. And i could feel her eyes scanning me, comparing me, looking for physical faults, comparing me to her. I'm pretty self-conscious about my stomach, so i kept my top on when we went swimming. It was less than ten minutes before she set about trying to make me take my shirt off so that she could compare my stomach to hers. And she was sucking in her stomach to the max the entire time. Ugh. I hate how this sounds. Anyway, the jist of it is that she arrives in town in four measly days. And i want to be no bigger than 48 by the time she gets here, and 47.5 by the time i meet up with her. I just, want her to know that i am still succeeding, in my own wacky way, at being the best i can be.

No food for me thanks, i would rather be thin.

I'm on holidays now.
I have four weeks before i go back to school.
Four weeks until i blow them all away.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and forget about exceeding other's expectations, instead, aim to exceed your own.
Xx. Lillie

Camp

Blugh. Camp food was disgusting.
Really disgusting.
Im wondering why i ate so much of it?
ugh.
gross.

Oh well. New start tomorrow.
For now? Im off to bed. Nine days in the wilderness really knocks the energy out of you.
Much much longer post soon.

Xx. Lillie

Im trying.
But i need my brain to function for exams...
Looks like there's food ahead.
But I'll be back to my old self by Friday afternoon :)
These are gonna be the longest three days of my life...
Xx. Lillie