I've been away, far away, but I can't hide any longer.

I ran away. From all of it.

But it found me.

Or more to the point,

I found it.

I'm back again. I know I deserted you all and for that I am truly sorry.

I thought I could avoid it all, and just hoped it would all go away, but it didn't, it only got worse.

I ballooned to a whopping 52kg and tried to pretend that I didn't care.

But I did.

One of my dearest friends, who suffers from clinical depression, has now found herself in the midst of her own eating disorder. And I hate her for it.

I know that it's my fault. She needed a coping mechanism, and found what I had been hiding from myself. She goes for days at a time without eating, and I think you stupid, stupid girl. it isn't going to work, trust me. You're going to fall in a heap and everything will be over, and yet I can't help thinking to myself why can't I do that?

Why? I know exactly why. I have commitments, people I have to see and converse with, ballet classes to attend, grades that must retain my usual standards. She has nothing. She lives in her own little self-protected shell because she's too trapped in her own anxieties to do anything. I think at times that one of the reasons she finds it so hard to do anything is that she never has anything she HAS to do, or anywhere she HAS to be.

But this isn't about her. I've made it about her for far too long now. Contemplating her problems helped me to hide from my own, but I've realised I can't do that any longer.

I'm sick of being sub-standard, sub-cool, average.

Bring on the exceptional, bring on the beauty, and, most importantly, bring on the courage to make it a reality.

I've been running away for too long. It's time I stood and fought.

Xx. Lillie

I'm back.

So here I am.

For those of you who read my last post, my friend seems to be ok, although I'm always tentative to say that. She came over yesterday and we spent the entire day talking.
I was supposed to be studying for exams (they're this week! ARGH), but sometimes other things are more important.

On other news, my room is clean (always a good sign), and I feel strangely motivated. I decided yesterday that I would try writing everything I eat for the day on here, in the hope that it would inspire me to eat well (by 'well', not well, but.. well? ekdlish you get what i mean).

Exams this week :O For some strange reason unbeknownst to me, I feel very calm and nonplussed about the whole thing. I'm sure I won't feel so calm on the day of the exams though... eek!

I swore I would be more organised after I got back from overseas, and in a way, I have been, but it's a work in progress. All steps towards building the new super-me.

Ho hum, I'd better get ready, I have classes soon.

Thankyou all for your support recently, it means a lot.

Xx. Lillie

Still in a State of Shock

One of my best friends tried to kill herself on Wednesday. Apart from her family, I'm the only one that knows. My hands are still shaking so I won't keep writing now.

Sorry for being away so long, things get hectic.

Xx. Lillie

And so...

The plan starts today. I'll add in little things as I go along. At the moment I've altered it to:

Breakfast: Coffee and an Orange

Lunch: Two dry Crackers

After Classes: Egg White Omelette

Dinner: Tea, Tuna/an Orange/Two dry Crackers.

Hmm...

I shall see how this goes.

Wish me luck! (and sorry for the mind-numbingly boring post)

I had a horrible day yesterday. I don't really even know why. Maybe I'll tell you all about it tomorrow, but for now..

Stay Strong, Live Life and Be Happy, because every single one of you deserves to.

Xx. Lillie

Hashimotonono.

I think.. I need a new plan.

I'm exhausted. It's more to do with the fact that the silly doctor keeps trying to lower the dosage of my medication for Hashimotos. Face it doc, my thyroid is never going to start working at full capacity again, so kindly please stop zapping me of all energy and making me gain a ridiculous amount of weight for no reason. In other words, STOP MESSING WITH MY METABOLISM! Thankyou.

I think I need a plan. The problem with not having a plan is that things always seem to make their way into my mouth.. So no more go with the flow.

Breakfast: Coffee and an Orange/egg white omelette.

Lunch: Two crackers of my choice

After classes: Tea, Two fruits/vegetables.

Dinner: Nothing, or another cracker.

Hmm.. I shall write that down in some sort of code and keep it in my pocket.

Oh, and I had a ballet performance on the weekend. I think it went well.

I shall have to write a more interesting post tonight.

Au revoir.

Xx. Lillie

The ramblings of someone soon to have a caffeine deficit.

I'm conveniently skipping over what I had for dinner last night. I'll just say it concerned family friends and pizza. Oh joy.

Having said that, my next ballet performance is on Friday and Saturday night. Three hours of ballet class and rehearsals today, tech rehearsal tomorrow, dress rehearsal on Thursday and the the Performance! I'm not a huge fan of performing, but I am a little excited about this one.

To answer your questions, I've been doing ballet since I was three. That makes me sound like a professional, but really I'm not that good. I dance as part of a ballet company.

I've just finished my morning cup of coffee. I decided last night that I'm going to cut back on my coffee intake. More green tea and lemon, less caffeine.

I'll see how I go today, but I think I'll have an apple for a snack, capsicum for lunch and tuna or some crackers before ballet. Something else will sneak its way in, it always does, but hopefully nothing too disastrous.

I've worked out that I need to eat something between classes during the day. Otherwise I end up getting food off my friends and eating way more than I planned to anyway. Not good. So from today, I'm only eating food that I've brought with me.

Here's to getting thin!

Xx. Lillie