Down down down downey down down.

53

52

51.7

51.3

50.7

50.4

It's all slowly disappearing. Yay for me.

I have three hours of ballet rehearsals tonight, rehearsing for the Nutcracker.

Should be a cracker of a show. ahahah. see what I did there? Yes, I am not well known for my startling wit and humour.

Everything's slowly but surely falling into place. Hopefully it stays that way.

The most beautiful person I know is in trouble again, and I wish I could help more. I just want to be able to take everything out of her head and be able to say 'you're all okay now'.

If only.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and Never take for granted what is in front of you.

Xx. Lillie

Unusually

Dear parents, please stop being up unusually early and go back to bed, hearing you talking through the door is making me jittery.

I'm not eating today.

Does anyone else ever get those phases where you really only want to talk to certain people? And just want the rest to go away. I was in one of those moods yesterday. I'd promised myself that I'd make an effort to be more social, but yesterday I just looked at these people and thought, I can't be bothered.

Ha, maybe I'm just going mad.

Xx. Lillie

Every child grows up... except one.

I'm performing tomorrow. Peter Pan as a ballet, who would have thought.
I'm Tinkerbell, and there's nowhere to hide when your wings and dress have LED lights sewn into them. Should be fun. Hopefully.

I've decided to write up my daily intake, beginning today. I have a ballet class from one til three, and a dress rehearsal from four til eight. It's going to be a busy day.

Classes resume on Monday, I'm determined to make this term a success. Nothing under 90 and I'll be happy. ish.

Daily Intake:

Coffee 160

Pear 80

Tea 0

Total: 240

Stay Strong, Live Life, and Enjoy Yourself

Xx. Lillie

Living off Coffee and Adrenaline

...is actually easier than it sounds.

I have recently discovered, that food doesn't really appeal to me anymore. When I am eating, I get so caught up in the whole WHAT CAN I EAT NEXT? that I never really appreciate what's in front of me.

I've worked out that if I see something I really really want to eat, and let myself eat it, then I don't feel deprived, or like I'm missing out. I haven't eaten more than one meal a day for about about a week and a half.

And it's working. I'm down from 53 to 50.3

45 here I come!

A small story, purely for my own authorial enjoyment:

I walked into town the other day with a

dear friend of mine (who also happens to be slightly disordered in this field), and we decided to buy coffee. We got to the cafe and looked at the menu. JUMBO COFFEE!

We both decided to get one, but after we'd ordered and paid, I was standing there watching the barista make the coffee. I saw the coffee trickling out of the machine, and then saw the milk being frothed. The sight of all that white milk made me quite nauseous, and I couldn't bare to think about how full of fat it was. I pretended I drank the whole thing, and only drank a little less than half before throwing it away. And I felt proud. I watched my friend down the whole thing, and could see she hadn't stopped to think about how much milk was in the goddam thing.

After that day, I knew I was back.

And I am, for good. (Insert squeals of enjoyment here)

Oh, just before I forget.

BREAKING NEWS

This friend of mine and myself are about to embark on a new project, a co-written blog detailing everything contained within the average life. It's sure to be an interesting read, so check it out, I'll post the web address in my next post.

I want it to be a blog with contributions from you all, a collective project, let's make this a blog to remember. It's still in its very early stages, so email me at lillieflower@live.com if you have any ideas, I'd love to hear from you.

I have ballet rehearsals to attend- more on that later.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and most importantly,

Never say never, for nothing is ever truly lost.

Xx. Lillie

I've been away, far away, but I can't hide any longer.

I ran away. From all of it.

But it found me.

Or more to the point,

I found it.

I'm back again. I know I deserted you all and for that I am truly sorry.

I thought I could avoid it all, and just hoped it would all go away, but it didn't, it only got worse.

I ballooned to a whopping 52kg and tried to pretend that I didn't care.

But I did.

One of my dearest friends, who suffers from clinical depression, has now found herself in the midst of her own eating disorder. And I hate her for it.

I know that it's my fault. She needed a coping mechanism, and found what I had been hiding from myself. She goes for days at a time without eating, and I think you stupid, stupid girl. it isn't going to work, trust me. You're going to fall in a heap and everything will be over, and yet I can't help thinking to myself why can't I do that?

Why? I know exactly why. I have commitments, people I have to see and converse with, ballet classes to attend, grades that must retain my usual standards. She has nothing. She lives in her own little self-protected shell because she's too trapped in her own anxieties to do anything. I think at times that one of the reasons she finds it so hard to do anything is that she never has anything she HAS to do, or anywhere she HAS to be.

But this isn't about her. I've made it about her for far too long now. Contemplating her problems helped me to hide from my own, but I've realised I can't do that any longer.

I'm sick of being sub-standard, sub-cool, average.

Bring on the exceptional, bring on the beauty, and, most importantly, bring on the courage to make it a reality.

I've been running away for too long. It's time I stood and fought.

Xx. Lillie

I'm back.

So here I am.

For those of you who read my last post, my friend seems to be ok, although I'm always tentative to say that. She came over yesterday and we spent the entire day talking.
I was supposed to be studying for exams (they're this week! ARGH), but sometimes other things are more important.

On other news, my room is clean (always a good sign), and I feel strangely motivated. I decided yesterday that I would try writing everything I eat for the day on here, in the hope that it would inspire me to eat well (by 'well', not well, but.. well? ekdlish you get what i mean).

Exams this week :O For some strange reason unbeknownst to me, I feel very calm and nonplussed about the whole thing. I'm sure I won't feel so calm on the day of the exams though... eek!

I swore I would be more organised after I got back from overseas, and in a way, I have been, but it's a work in progress. All steps towards building the new super-me.

Ho hum, I'd better get ready, I have classes soon.

Thankyou all for your support recently, it means a lot.

Xx. Lillie