Missing in Action.

Lacking enthusiasm.

I dyed my hair and it all started falling out, scared me outta my wits!

I can bet you my hair is the thinnest you have ever seen, its always been like that, even before all of 'this stuff' began, so losing some of it is seriously scary stuff! It actually shocked me out of this whole thing.

I've been eating like a normal person again, not so much because i want to, but because there's no point in being thin if you have no hair left! It's mostly because of the hair dye (there's no way im doing that again!) but i have a feeling its been suffering from lack of nutrients as well. Its so weird willing myself to eat, but my hair is still really really weak and is still getting thinner, though not as rapidly as before. I've stopped straightening it, and am eating again to keep it healthy, but i just wish it would go back to the way it was. Im not bald or anything, but its noticeably thinner.

So i probably won't be posting much... i don't feel i deserve to when all of you are doing so well and i am eating huge amounts to keep hair in my head.

On the plus side im back at ballet, which means most of the extra kilos im seeing are just muscle mass. It's so nice to feel strong again. I'm finally getting my muscles back :)

Please Please Please get well soon my precious hair...

As for the rest of you,

Stay Strong, Live Life, and NEVER EVER dye your hair if it's as thin as mine.

Xx. Lillie

Im back!

School today was fine. I have a great class, and although i have some not-so-great teachers, i have some ok ones as well...

Now that I'm back at school it's so much easier to avoid all the food! Green tea for breakfast, a small salad consisting of mainly lettuce for lunch, a handful of nuts when i get home, and as little as possible for dinner... perfect :)

I have ballet in a little while so this post can't be too long...

The weather is so hot here it's driving me crazy! I almost died walking home from school. Luckily it's not that far...

I have to get ready for ballet, so i promise a longer post later...

Stay Strong, Live Life, and AVOID THE HEAT!

Xx. Lillie

Hey guys, sorry i haven't been around lately, I'm taking a break until i return to school, which is only a week away now. I just have so much stuff to do before then...

Stay Strong, Live life, and Have Fun :)

Xx. Lillie

The mindset from my last post is gone :)

Hey!

In a much better mood than last post :)

No soul searching, just realized to trust the logical side of my brain.

People who live on the edge are much more likely to fall off it!

Anyway, i wrote this yesterday and didn't get around to posting it so.....

Ugh. The past three days have just been one big eating contest. My 
brain just kept going "eat now cos u won't tomorrow. So, to make up 
for it, I'm fasting for the next two or three days. 
Tea, freshly made juice, 
water, and coffee if I really need it. The plan is to last for two, 
maybe three days although i will still consider it a success if I only 
last for one.

I really want to get back into shape before I go back to school. 
I'm actually looking forward to going back. The stress of the school 
work strips off kilos, as does the running from class to class, and 
not having the opportunity to eat 24/7 is a huge bonus.
 My plan? Restrict on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays and Fridays and to fast on Wednesdays.                               

 I know it will be hard for the first week or so, but after the pattern forms and my body and brain conform to the idea then it will become almost like a second nature. 

The reason for fasting on Wednesdays, is because it is the one weekday that I do not have ballet, so although I still go running, I don't need to have nearly as much 
energy as I do when I have a ballet class. Other wise the plan will be 
an apple and green tea for breakfast, a small salad consisting of 
tomato, lettuce, cucumber and capsicum for lunch, about 150 cals tops? 
A handful of nuts (I just bought a huge packet) before ballet and as 
little of dinner as possible. I love salad, even before I began this 
whole thing, so I doubt I will get sick of it, an apple is an apple 
and my parents don't really watch me eat, so the dinner part is easy.
 As long as I stick with this, I will be thin in no time. I can't wait to see my friends reactions when I finally make the transformation from the thin one to the perfect one.
 I know I can do this, and I will.

Anyway, there's all my new resolve. I'm still trying to figure out how to post some of my music up for you guys to take a look at, but its not easy. 
Apparently i can upload pictures and videos, but not music. Any ideas on how i can put it up?
I wanna know what you guys think :)

Its almost four and i still haven't eaten anything. I always feel like i need food most at around 6-7 ,so that's when my sister and i are making apple, pineapple, orange and carrot juice, YUM :)

Stay Strong, Live Life, and remember, its not the falling down that matters, but how you pick yourself up afterwards. 
Xx. Lillie

Lost.

I'm confused, impatient, and i feel like i don't know who i am...

And when that happens, i eat. Not a lot, but more than usual.

I just want to dance again. I miss the control, i miss my teacher, i miss the rock hard muscles that have slowly faded over the holidays. I miss the music, the long hours and the hard work. I just want to go back. It's only two weeks until i do, but it feels like an eternity.

I feel like i don't know who i am anymore, and the uncertainty unsettles me. I don't quite know how to explain it.

And on top of all this, one of my oldest friends wants to hook up with me, and said it completely outta the blue, he doesn't like me, he just wants to hook up and just asked me if i would sneak out to meet him. There's no way im doing that...

I still don't know what im gonna do...

Agh. I wish i had a fairy godmother to tell me which way to go, to assure me it was all going to be ok.

Sorry this is such a melancholy post, i just don't know what's going on with me...

Ten days til school starts. To get ready, its going fast, restrict, fast, restrict for the next ten days. Then back on abc after that. At least my determination is still with me.

The Battle

I don't need a slap in the face,

I'm already at the bottom of the sea.
Should have known this armour was heavy when the battle was declared by me.

But you weren't listening too hard,
Under every word's a jaded heart.
And you weren't listening too hard, now were you.

Can you pull your head out a moment.

Try to find a second just to breathe

I was trying to be a picture, a pillar of solidity you see.
But you weren't listening too hard,
Under every word's a jaded heart.

Now give me your best and I'll take it, feel it, breathe it,
Then watch me throw it back to you.

'Cause you weren't listening too hard,
Under every word's a jaded heart.
Now give me your best and I'll take it, feel it, breathe it,
And watch me throw it back to you.

I do not like pizza. But had to eat it. Oh well, minor setback.

Feeling rather upbeat today, although a little wistful as well...

You know, the whole "i wonder what would have happened if I'd..."

Oh well, I've been too scared to do things i wish i had done, but you can't go back and change things now. What's done is done, here's to looking to the future.

Xx. Lillie

Did some editing and re-arranging, let me know what you think.

Xx. Lillie