It all began with a cat and an allergy.

I felt horrible today. The boarding house cat decided that it would sleep right next to my face in my bed. Initially woke up, thought WHATTHEFUCKISTHAT, realised it was the cat, and, being rather drowsy, went back to sleep. However the second time I awoke, the skin on my face had also noticed the proximity of the cat. One side of my face in particular had swollen to almost twice its normal size and was itching terribly. I could barely open my eyes and they were so itchy that I managed to rub them red raw by the morning. I looked like hell and one of my eyes was still very noticeably swollen and sore. It was not a good start to the day.

I also began developing a sore throat and a thumping headache accompanied it. Now I sit here with a sore throat, a raging headache and an escalating temperature. It was just one of those days where all the elements of the universe combine to conspire against you.

Things started off well on the food front, but went downhill with my physical well-being. I had a massive bowl of noodles in an effort to console my aching throat. They tasted foul, and yet I ate the whole bowl. They also made my throat sorer than it had been before. I then consumed about 20+ biscuits in an effort to muster up enough energy to do my homework. It didn't work.

I now sit here feeling sicker than before, and full of food.

Oh well. It was just one of those days. I didn't self-destruct, I just couldn't compete with the hurdles the universe chucked at me all at once today.

Tomorrow I have an hour and a half of running, then two hours of ballet, and I'm determined to make it through. The school wants me to perform a ballet solo onstage before I go. I've told them I'll do it, but I only have this week and next week to prepare, and with this cold I don't know how if I'll make it. I guess I'll see how I go tomorrow and sort it out from there.

Stay Strong, Live Life and hold your head high.

Xx. Lillie

Writing a letter to yourself may prove highly advisable.

Today, for the first time in a long time, I stuck to my word. I consumed a little rock melon, and nothing else.
I knew I couldn't fail myself again, and I didn't.

Tomorrow I plan to eat a little more, I do need a functioning brain to get me through classes, but I am too excited to see the results to let food get in the way. I'm proving to myself just how strong I can be, and eventually, I'll prove it to the world.

I'm going on a nice long shopping trip with one of my cousins in the city I fly to before I fly home. I want to be able to try on, buy, and wear clothes with my head held high, because I know they look good. I've been hiding for the past month under long pants and loose shirts. I stopped wearing the largest pair of shorts I own because they were almost a little small. Not for long.

I'm doing this for all the people that lie to themselves every day that they like their body. I'm doing this for the friends of mine who I know secretly compete against me to see who's better, I'm doing this for my parents, so they can feel proud of their beautiful daughter. But most of all, I'm doing this for myself.


Seventeen days. It's not long, but it's enough. Let's see how much I can lose.

A letter to myself

Dear me,
The only person that stands in your way is you. It's time to let her go.

There is no denying what you've become. You are by far fatter than you have ever been before. It surrounds you, on your stomach, thighs, back, everywhere. It's trapping you, preventing your true self from shining through. It's muffling creativity and suffocating beauty. You need to let this go.

Don't you dare sit idly by, hating what you've become without doing anything about it.

Don't you dare.

It's time you did what you should have done two and a half months ago. Begin again, this time with real conviction. Watch the fat melt away, because slowly but surely, if you are strong enough, it will.

Don't stop yourself from becoming who you should become.
You're too good for that.

Don't disappoint me again.

Xx. Lillie

If only books didn't have an ending.

Sometimes I wonder what's happened to the music industry. Personally, I love the likes of Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald and Ray Charles. If only the world we live in today was more like the fifties. I long for an old-fashioned world filled with drawing rooms, blues music, bridge nights and formal dinner parties. I escape into an Agatha Christie book and that world appears before my eyes. If only books didn't have an ending.

Nineteen days and counting. I'm not getting any thinner. Maybe I'll just stop eating altogether.

Xx. Lillie

Never again.

That's it. I've had it. The world has delivered me the wake up call I needed.
My mother doesn't have an email address, so she uses mine to send and receive emails (it's a pain, but at least I get to see what she sends/receives.) I don't know why she refuses to get her own email, but that's my mother for you.

The boarding parent sent her an email, saying how well-mannered I was etc. She also happened to mention my 'healthy appetite' and that she often sees me 'snacking away on biscuits often'. Fuck. Her.

She's not one to talk about a 'healthy appetite' herself. FAT ASS.

I'll show her. I'll show them all.

And it begins now.

A little woman in a big world.

I'm re-reading Little Women again at the moment. How I love that book.

I'm at a bit of a loss for words at the moment. I don't really have anything to say.
22 days and counting until I return home.

I don't want to talk about my numerous failures.

Some people are so petrified of being alone, or being seen alone that it really annoys me. I have a friend who INSISTS I wait for her every morning to walk about 100metres so she can avoid the HORROR of walking alone. I don't understand why people feel the need to cling to someone else every second of every day. It means that those people (like me) who, in all honesty, would prefer to be alone at certain times of the day, are at risk of being considered loners if ever they are seen going about their life by themselves. Why? It makes no sense to me.

I guess I'm just one of those people who prefers to be alone. Not all the time, but some of the time.

This is going nowhere, so I might as well end it now.

I hope all of you are happy, and succeeding in whatever you attempt.
Xx. Lillie

Change.

I don't do love, I don't do friends
I'm only after success
I don't need a relationship
I'll never loosen my grip.

Don't want cash, don't want cards
Want it fast, want it hard
Don't need money don't need fame
I just want to make a change

I just want to change,
I just want to change
I just want to change
I just want to change.

I know exactly what I want and who I want to be.
I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine
I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy.

One track mind
One track heart
If I fail, I'll fall apart.

Maybe it is all a test
Because I feel like I'm the worst
So I always act like I'm the best.


It's time to get serious.
I've figured out that as long as I eat SOMETHING for breakfast and dinner, I don't feel deprived and begin on a giant binge-fest.
So, the new plan is, for the 23 days until I return home, to eat the following:

Breakfast: Coffee
Lunch: Salad
Dinner: Salad

It brings my calorie count in at about 250 (I'm overestimating)
And damn it! I'm sticking to it!

I HATE THIS FAT I HATE THIS FAT I HATE THIS FAT I HATE THIS FAT.

I've only just realised that I forgot to tell you all about my little beach romance.
New Year's Eve, sitting on the beach, fireworks to bring in the new year. It was lovely :)

He's my best friend's cousin. Pity he lives in another state. But we still keep in contact, and if I go to boarding school next year, who knows, something may come of it.

Only 23 days. Eek! I can do this, I just have to set my mind to it and stop food getting in the way.

Sorry my posts have all been pretty boring lately. I have no time!

Stay Strong, Live life and think thin!

Xx. Lillie