A Letter from Past Me to Present Me.

Dear Past me,

What in the world were you thinking yesterday when you couldn't be bothered writing your English debate so you decided you would make future me get up at 3:30 in the morning to do it? You silly person. Present me is now rather tired and not quite happy with her English debate thanks to you. A little less consumption yesterday wouldn't have gone astray either.

Don't fret though, I'll clean up the mistakes you made yesterday.

Love, Present me.

So I ate a little more than I should have yesterday. Oops. Oh well, these things happen, and I was beginning to feel quite dizzy so it's probably just as well.

Eight days to go and I am essentially planning to live off green tea, coffee and fruit and veg. Eight measly days, and this fat is killing me, so here goes.

The new plan goes something like this:

Breakfast: Coffee and two egg whites (if needed)

Lunch: Lettuce, tomato, cucumber.

Dinner: A piece of fruit.

It works out to something like 100-200 calories a day.

I hate eating in the dining hall, everything is white and it makes me feel like I have to eat everything super fast and get out of there. So the plan is to take my own bowl down there, put some fruit/vegetables in it and take it back to my room with me rather than eating it there.

I'm a little smaller, but not by much. The next eight days are going to be hell, I know they will, but it will be worth it.

So here's to living off fruit and veg for the the next eight days (which really is quite nice, considering they're my favourite things to eat anyway).

Some of you said you wanted to know a little bit more about my life, so my next post will be all about yours truly :)

Oh! I just realised something! Now that I have a laptop, I have the means to write a blog post, WHILE SITTING ON AN AIRPLANE! I've always wanted to do that.

My post eight days from now shall have been written on an airplane! I don't know why that seems so exciting to me, but it does :)

Stay Strong, Live life, and never give up hope.

Xx. Lillie

List making

(I want to get a vintage bicycle)

I love lists. I don't really know why. It makes me feel so much more organised. The more I can think of to put on a list, the more organised I feel. I make lists about anything and everything.

I wrote down nine lists last night, making them pretty enough that I decided they should be stuck on my wall. They look so nice :) I might add to the collection tonight.

My stomach is flatter, I can see it.

Unfortunately, the scales in the boarding house don't. According to them I'm only down to 49.5kgs (110lbs). But I'm not trusting them because they're old and super inaccurate.

They also have CAUTION, WATCH YOUR STEP written on them, which made my giggle the first time I saw it.

Nine

Eight

Seven

Six

Five

Four

Three

Two

One

I'm excited to go home, but I really will miss it here. It's been an amazing three months.

But ohh to be out of the boarding house! To be free to walk down the street whenever I feel like it. To be able to eat what I want, when I want, without walking down to the dining hall or having to sneak food into my bedroom. I'll be so glad to get back to my own room, where I can sing to my heart's content without worrying about the music carrying through the paper-thin walls. I'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed with its bird-patterned doona cover and working at my own desk, which, until this one, actually has enough room to work, and is made of glass (i love it).

I will still miss this though, it's been incredible.

I'd better get going, I'm going to be late for classes if I don't get a move on!

Stay Strong, Live Life, and never give up. We can do anything.

Xx. Lillie

This post is as boring as plain oatmeal.

I'm having a small dilemma at the moment. I don't know whether to eat something or not. Yesterday all I had was oatmeal, today I was planning to have just oatmeal again. I haven't eaten anything so far today, and it seems like a bit of a waste to eat it. Having said that, my stomach's been grumbling at me all day, and I do have a bunch of assignments that I need some brainpower to do. Looking in the mirror, I have a long way to go, and only ten days to go there.

I think I will eat my oatmeal, but I'll make it a small bowl, just enough to keep my brain functioning well.

I don't know why, but at the moment it's so easy to avoid food. I think it's mostly because I know I only have a minuscule amount of time left.

I love the feeling of an empty stomach. Not counting today, I have nine days until I fly home. I'm doing everything I can to make sure I make it. I hope it will be enough.

Edit: I did have my small bowl of oatmeal. I then thought, "what harm could just a little more oatmeal do?". But I stopped and made myself a peppermint tea instead. I reasoned that if I still wanted more after my cup of tea, then I would know I was actually hungry and could eat more oatmeal. I didn't go back. It's these small victories that keep me going. My new aim, although whether I'll achieve it or not I don't know as of yet, it to pretty much eat my one bowl of oatmeal a day, and nothing else. It's worked for two days, surely it will work for a measly nine days more.

Only five days until I perform my solo in front of the school. I'm so worried, and I'm doing everything I can to make sure I'm perfect.

I'm going downstairs now, to see how much I weigh. I've been avoiding the scale for a while now. It sits out in front of everyone, just waiting to criticise.

This post is going nowhere, so I'll edit it later.

Goodnight!

Xx. Lillie

Xx. Lillie

Success is a wonderful thing.

I should be doing my French homework, but it can wait 'til later.

Today has been a complete success. I had coffee for breakfast, didn't eat during classes, walked back to the boarding house, got changed and walked to the ballet studio. I did a short class and spent an hour rehearsing the piece I will have to perform at the beginning of next week. The choreography is finished, all I have to do now is remember ad perfect it.

I then walked back to boarding, decided I should eat something, made myself a bowl of oatmeal (about 200 calories) and lost myself in my own thoughts for a while. I think I've had so many days where I've eaten so far past the point of being full that my body now fails to register when it is in fact full. I think I've got to re-train myself into being able to decide when enough is enough.

At 6:30 I'm going back to the ballet studio to rehearse for another hour and a half or so. That should burn off most of the oatmeal. I'll come back, make myself some peppermint tea, race through my French homework and have a shower. Then I'll do some light exercises and hopefully be in bed by nine (yes, I have the bedtime of an old lady). Then I have an hour to read. I haven't decided whether it will be Little Women or an Agatha Christie mystery yet. I think I'll go with Agatha Christie.

Ten days to go. I know I can keep this up. I'm not being hosted out this weekend so I won't have to eat. We're going on a trip to a turtle sanctuary. I'm excited :)

Watch my fat disappear.

I think one of my friends is developing an eating disorder. But at this stage, I can't tell whether she's serious, or only a little serious and looking for attention. She's had numerous facebook statuses saying things like "I'll never be thin enough" and "No time for friends, I have to exercise". Although when put like that, it makes it sound like a cry for attention, she's not really one to seek out attention. Hmm.

Ten days left. This is easy.

Xx. Lillie

Time is a ticking..

There was a small girl from the city

Who didn't think she was terribly pretty

She contracted a cold

And though it were bold,

Decided to stuff herself silly.

Blugh. I'm trying not to dwell on the weekend. I have a new plan.

Eleven days until I go home. Eleven days for which I will live on:

One small bowl of oatmeal
One cup of (black) coffee
Numerous cups of peppermint tea
Two egg whites.

I'm going to have any combination of these, and only these. Nothing else.
I suppose the plus side of consuming so much yesterday, is that today, the very thought of food repulses me.

I can feel the fat on my body, I'm not used to it and I hate it. I hate it.

I'm going to be working like hell to try and get this piece from Swan Lake ready, so that should burn a few calories.

I'm sorry I haven't been commenting on your blogs recently. I think I just needed a little time to myself, but expect lots of lovely comments within the next couple of days :)

I might meet up with my best friend's cousin when I fly back to my home country. We met when I stayed with my friend at the beach during the holidays at the beginning of the year and became really good friends. It would be nice to see him again.

So in conclusion, yes, I've fallen again, but I'm picking myself up with more vigour and determination than ever. I will do this. I have to.

I'm a survivor. I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to stop, I'm going to work harder.

Xx. Lillie

Blogger Awards make me feel special :)

Thankyou to ali and PerfectOxymoron for nominating me. It means a lot :)
And a big thankyou to everyone else that reads me blog! Over 100 followers, wow.

Seven things about me:

1. I love to sing, and am good at it too.
2. I'm part of a ballet company
3. I buy old radio programmes (like TV but without the pretty pictures) so that when I listen to them I can pretend I'm from the fifties.
4. I'm secretly very competitive, against everyone and everything.
5. I decided when I was ten years old that I was never going to get drunk. I've kept this resolution.
6. My favourite thing to eat is raspberries.
7. I don't go out and party on the weekends. It just doesn't appeal to me. I prefer to snuggle down with a peppermint tea and an old-fashioned murder mystery.

I nominate:
1. zette
2. miss alisha
3. VictoriaCrimson
4. mae
5. PollyAnna
6. Charlie
7. Almost.Skinny

Today was not a good day. I'm still sick and I didn't know if I was going to get through the day without food. This meant that I had an entire plate of dinner, an icecream in an effort to sooth my aching throat, some pineapple and some weird chocolate-stick things.. Not the best day, but I'm not going to label it a failure because I'm sick, I felt very weak and I deliberately chose to eat because I knew I could burn a lot of it off running and then at my ballet rehearsal.

Next Tuesday, I will be performing a solo from Swan Lake in front of the entire school. For those of you who have seen Black Swan, it's similar choreography to Nina Sayer's finale. I alternate from white swan, to black swan and back to the white swan. I hope I'm thinner by then. Then at least I won't look as fat on stage. I have about a week to learn and rehearse the entire piece.
I really hope I can pull it off.

That is all for tonight, goodnight to you all!

Xx. Lillie

It all began with a cat and an allergy.

I felt horrible today. The boarding house cat decided that it would sleep right next to my face in my bed. Initially woke up, thought WHATTHEFUCKISTHAT, realised it was the cat, and, being rather drowsy, went back to sleep. However the second time I awoke, the skin on my face had also noticed the proximity of the cat. One side of my face in particular had swollen to almost twice its normal size and was itching terribly. I could barely open my eyes and they were so itchy that I managed to rub them red raw by the morning. I looked like hell and one of my eyes was still very noticeably swollen and sore. It was not a good start to the day.

I also began developing a sore throat and a thumping headache accompanied it. Now I sit here with a sore throat, a raging headache and an escalating temperature. It was just one of those days where all the elements of the universe combine to conspire against you.

Things started off well on the food front, but went downhill with my physical well-being. I had a massive bowl of noodles in an effort to console my aching throat. They tasted foul, and yet I ate the whole bowl. They also made my throat sorer than it had been before. I then consumed about 20+ biscuits in an effort to muster up enough energy to do my homework. It didn't work.

I now sit here feeling sicker than before, and full of food.

Oh well. It was just one of those days. I didn't self-destruct, I just couldn't compete with the hurdles the universe chucked at me all at once today.

Tomorrow I have an hour and a half of running, then two hours of ballet, and I'm determined to make it through. The school wants me to perform a ballet solo onstage before I go. I've told them I'll do it, but I only have this week and next week to prepare, and with this cold I don't know how if I'll make it. I guess I'll see how I go tomorrow and sort it out from there.

Stay Strong, Live Life and hold your head high.

Xx. Lillie