Eating Shmeating.

I'm back, I'm back, I'm really really back.
*Does a lengthy, ridiculous-looking happy dance*

It's so easy not to eat!
Today I've had one cup of black instant coffee and a cup of peppermint tea.

It's almost four in the afternoon and that's all I'm going to consume.
It's so easy at boarding school. All the food is shut away in the dining hall. As long as I don't go near that dreaded room, I'm fine.

Yesterday I threw out what was left of the loaf of bread I had so I wouldn't be tempted. Now all the snacks I have left are some dried plums (yum!). Part of my brain is going WOOHOOO!! YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU DON'T HAVE TO EAT TOMORROW EITHER!
But the logical side of me knows that my brain does need some energy other than caffeine to function. I have subjects where I actually need my brain to function tomorrow, so I think the plan shall be coffee in the morning, three dried plums at break, two dried plums after school. Perhaps a little salad for lunch if my friends want to eat in the dining hall.

I think Tuesdays from now until I leave will be non eating days. Now I know that I can do this, I want this weight off as quickly as possible.

I'm reading Portia de Rossi's autobiography at the moment (Thanks to iBooks, I can now buy books without leaving the comfort of my room) It's called Unbearable Lightness, and is pretty much all about (you guessed it) her eating disorder.

I want to lose five kilograms in five and a half weeks. Is it possible? I don't know. But I sure as hell am going to do everything in my power to make it happen.

Xx. Lillie

EDIT: I just went back and re-read some of my old posts. I can't believe I got down to 45 kgs. My new goal is to weigh, and maintain a weight of, 44kgs or less. I am quite a competitive person by nature, and the one person I love to beat most is myself.

Never give up, if I can do this, you most definitely can. I dug myself into a huge hole, and I'm finally digging myself out.

The New Plan:

1. No junk food. At all. Not that I really eat that much of it anyway.
2. Peppermint tea must be drunk before eating food after class.
3. Daily exercise.
4. Lots of water.

I'm not going to eat tomorrow.

Finally.

I am finally back on track.

I woke up this morning and thought "I'm not hungry". For the first time in weeks I didn't feel the need to buy masses of food in the supermarket.
I'm finally back on the road to success.

It's going to take some time, but I know I can get there.

I went shopping today. I bought a ridiculous hat, which i adore, and a pair of pants to hide the fat clinging to my thighs until it melts away. I had fun.

You are all stronger than you think, never forget that.

Xx. Lillie

Ps. Stay tuned for my first interesting post in a while, a long note about why I hate that in today's society, you must be with someone at all times, otherwise you're considered a loner. Coming soon to a blog near you!

Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat.

I had the most amazing week, which I might go into if this dark cloud above my head ever shifts.

Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat.

I don't want to be the fat one.

Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat.

I hate that I'm not strong enough to do this.

Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat.




















FAT.

The cat's out of the bag..

I told someone.

I don't really know why. I guess I just felt that it was time. Luckily, she is a beautiful friend, who has some issues of her own (not ED related) and she'd shared so much which me that I felt it was time to let go to the secret I'd been holding onto for so long. I know she won't tell a soul.

On another note, my determination has returned in leaps and bounds. I know what I have to do, and that I will do it. I hate looking back at previous posts and reading the same thing over and over and over again. How this time, this time things will be different. How I'll become a new person overnight. How everything will change from here-on in.

People WILL notice me when I return. I refuse to let my life be ruled by something so trivial.
I am the person I want to be, it's time the outside shell that contains me reflected that.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and Never Give Up.

Ever.

It's hard to accept yourself as someone that you don't want to be.

It's hard to accept yourself as someone
You don't desire.
As someone
You don't want to be.



I refuse to accept.
A new life begins tomorrow.
I hate what I've become, and I refuse to let it rule my life.

I will change.

And it begins now.

This is it.

I have the plan, I've found the willpower. It's time I grew up and became the person I ought to be.