Djdjdkjfjfbfbfhfhhfjiwosjdhhfhdhdbsidkju!

I look HUGE in my costumes.

I hate this.

Four more days to go...

I can't wait til I'm thin again.

Only five more days...

Five more days of fatness. I will not allow this to get in the way of my ballet. These five food-filled days are ones that i will have to dance through and bear it.
Technical rehearsal
Dress rehearsal
Performance
Performance
Master classes with the Australian Ballet.

Then? Abc begins.

Goodbye 52, you will soon be replaced with a 47.5, and then a 45, and you will never been seen again.

I've been away too long.

I fell, I tripped, I stumbled. I ballooned to a ghastly weight of 51kgs and I had to run away. I didn't feel worthy of owning a blog that was originally supposed to contain my successes when I could only fill it with failures. I didn't feel like I deserved your company.

BUT.
I woke up this morning and my first thought was this is the day.

This is the day that everything changes.

I am in the process of coming up with a theme for each day of the week. Today is Friday, fruit and veg day. If it's not a fresh fruit or vegetable, I'm not eating it.

I ran away hoping it would a be ok, but now I'm ready to take control again. And nothing is going to stop me. 51 is not going to stay on those scales for long.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and never EVER stop believing that you can do this, because you can.

I just finished reading one of those trashy magazines that we all know are stupid but we read them anyway. One of the articles I came across was "can you catch an eating disorder-the dangers of disordered eating". The next four pages were all about how to lost weight by eating less and suggesting exercises. The next page after that was a photoshopped picture of a girl who was (I'm just going to say it, it's too early in the morning for tact) fat. Really fat. The headline? "I love my curves". Nice way to send three different messages in the space of four pages. 1. Eat, otherwise you'll get an eating disorder. 2. Don't eat, and do these exercises to lose some weight. 3. It's ok to be obese.
Clear as mud.

On another note, I ate and ate this weekend. Because I chose to. I don't regret this, sometimes you just have to get it all out of your system. So that is what I did. I ate everything I knew I would crave in one go, so now this leaves me with a completely clean slate.

I downloaded an app onto my iPod called "shape up" yesterday, and it has since become my new best friend. It calculates how many calories you need to eat per day to get to your goal weight. It has graphs and food logs and pretty much everything. I love it :)

I'm beginning to write out everything I'll eat for the day in the morning, that way I don't end up having all these little snacksies. I'd better be off, otherwise I'll be late to classes.

Smile :)
You all deserve to.

Xx. Lillie

Vicious Cycles can go to Hell.

I was doing perfectly fine today.

Until my English teacher had a 'surprise' for the class.

Chocolate Cake.

Just when i was beginning to enjoy the emptiness.

It's time to pick myself up and start again i suppose.

I've written out a list of rules.

I'm going to stick to them.

I know i can do this.

And this time, this time it's going to last.

This blog has become an endless series of 'new beginnings', of countless promises to succeed, to myself, and to all of you.

It has to stop.

Now.

Perfection is about to become my reality.

Let it be yours too.

Xx. Lillie

Enough is Enough.

Today did not go as planned.

I'm so disappointed with myself.

I'm fat.

Now all i can do is work as hard as i can at ballet and hope to work it off.

I doubt it, but i can try.

I'm fat.

I desperately cling to the promise tomorrow will bring.

It's time i took this seriously.

Goodbye food. It was nice knowing you.

Oh coffeeeeee how i looooooovvvvveee youuuuu

Wow.

The wonders of coffee.

I can think again!

Now that im back into the rhythm of things again, it's time to step it up a notch.

It's...

FOOD DIARY TIME!

Let's just hope i can remember to write in it :)

(Sorry about the multiple posts)

Now I'm full of energy.

Hopefully enough to get me through the three tests i have today :/

I'm also trying to drink as much water as possible, without having to pee like every five minutes. I'm going to attempt not to eat anything more than 4 ryvita crackery things for the rest of the day. Possibly a biscuit or an orange if i need it.

The days of snacking are about to be long gone!

(I'm feeling very self-righteous on this fine, rainy morning)

I could sit here mellowing in my thoughts all day, but i think it's time a left for school...

Be Safe, Be Strong, Be Happy :)

Xx. Lillie