Happy Belated New Year..

Hello! Oh my god it's been so long.
Time's just run away. Or maybe I've just been too tired to catch it.

But I'm back again now. I don't have long to write as I have classes in about ten minutes...

For those of you who are interested, I'm now OVERSEAS!
On an International Exchange. And even though I'm super tired, I have decided that today's the day. I have a little less than three months before I go back home. And I want people to notice a difference.

My plan this time is sort of just a go with the flow one. Because I'm staying in a boarding house, it makes it a little trickier to plan meals. So, i eat small portions of whatever is there, and don't eat on Sundays. Sounds good to me.

I have to go, I'm so sorry I ran away for so long, more on way later.

I love you all and have missed you all dearly.

Stay Strong, Live Life and drink lots of peppermint tea (seriously, it's yum!)
Xx. Lillie

Wow. It's been a while.

Life has been... hectic, to say the least.

It seems that the universe has decided to play a joke on me in the form of irony.

Recently i found myself struggling to care about anything. Then, the front section of my neck began to swell up. To cut a long story short, i went to the doctor, underwent a series of blood tests and subsequently have been diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease. An incurable disease which, among other things, slows down your metabolism, making you gain weight.

Basically, it's an autoimmune disease, which means that my body has decided to attack my thyroid gland and has rendered it incapable of producing enough of the hormones it's supposed to. So i have to take medication for the rest of my life to do the jobs that my thyroid gland is supposed to do. I'm too tired to go into it more, so google it if you're curious. The medication takes up to six weeks to begin to work. it will speed up my metabolism again among other things. It's been four weeks now, and i thought I was getting better. My parents took my sister and I on a ten day holiday, which was nice and helped me to conserve what little energy i had left. I don't think the dosage is high enough. I thought i was getting better, but now I'm back home, i have two separate ballet performances to perform in six days. The lump on my neck that was slowly disappearing is returning and i have no energy to do anything. I don't know how I'm going to get through the five hours of intensive ballet rehearsals i have to somehow make it through today. Or the six hours tomorrow for that matter. On top of it all i have school assignments that i have no time to do, and even if i did, i doubt i would have the energy to muster up something half legible. I had more blood tests yesterday, and have yet another doctor's appointment this Wednesday. And then sometime soon i have to meet with an endocrinologist.

I know what most of you are thinking, but there is no physical way that this disease is related to my somewhat borderline ED tendencies.

My Aunt is flying up to draw up some sort of diet plan for me the week after next (she's a naturopath and works in the medical field). She's suggesting i go gluten free. Which isn't all bad i suppose. I'll have a legitimate excuse for not eating "I can't, it contains gluten".

To add another complication, I've been accepted to go to an international school in Thailand for a semester next year, but if I'm not well enough i won't be able to go.

I just want this week to be over.


Still, by the time i was diagnosed it had been left undiagnosed for so long that the doctor who tested my blood took one look at the results though i must have been in a coma. If i could make it through that stage, i can make it through this week. I just want to get my life back on track.

It was my birthday yesterday.

Stay strong, Live life, and push through it all, there is always light at the end of a tunnel.
(It seems i should take my own advice)
Xx. Lillie.

Djdjdkjfjfbfbfhfhhfjiwosjdhhfhdhdbsidkju!

I look HUGE in my costumes.

I hate this.

Four more days to go...

I can't wait til I'm thin again.

Only five more days...

Five more days of fatness. I will not allow this to get in the way of my ballet. These five food-filled days are ones that i will have to dance through and bear it.
Technical rehearsal
Dress rehearsal
Performance
Performance
Master classes with the Australian Ballet.

Then? Abc begins.

Goodbye 52, you will soon be replaced with a 47.5, and then a 45, and you will never been seen again.

I've been away too long.

I fell, I tripped, I stumbled. I ballooned to a ghastly weight of 51kgs and I had to run away. I didn't feel worthy of owning a blog that was originally supposed to contain my successes when I could only fill it with failures. I didn't feel like I deserved your company.

BUT.
I woke up this morning and my first thought was this is the day.

This is the day that everything changes.

I am in the process of coming up with a theme for each day of the week. Today is Friday, fruit and veg day. If it's not a fresh fruit or vegetable, I'm not eating it.

I ran away hoping it would a be ok, but now I'm ready to take control again. And nothing is going to stop me. 51 is not going to stay on those scales for long.

Stay Strong, Live Life, and never EVER stop believing that you can do this, because you can.

I just finished reading one of those trashy magazines that we all know are stupid but we read them anyway. One of the articles I came across was "can you catch an eating disorder-the dangers of disordered eating". The next four pages were all about how to lost weight by eating less and suggesting exercises. The next page after that was a photoshopped picture of a girl who was (I'm just going to say it, it's too early in the morning for tact) fat. Really fat. The headline? "I love my curves". Nice way to send three different messages in the space of four pages. 1. Eat, otherwise you'll get an eating disorder. 2. Don't eat, and do these exercises to lose some weight. 3. It's ok to be obese.
Clear as mud.

On another note, I ate and ate this weekend. Because I chose to. I don't regret this, sometimes you just have to get it all out of your system. So that is what I did. I ate everything I knew I would crave in one go, so now this leaves me with a completely clean slate.

I downloaded an app onto my iPod called "shape up" yesterday, and it has since become my new best friend. It calculates how many calories you need to eat per day to get to your goal weight. It has graphs and food logs and pretty much everything. I love it :)

I'm beginning to write out everything I'll eat for the day in the morning, that way I don't end up having all these little snacksies. I'd better be off, otherwise I'll be late to classes.

Smile :)
You all deserve to.

Xx. Lillie

Vicious Cycles can go to Hell.

I was doing perfectly fine today.

Until my English teacher had a 'surprise' for the class.

Chocolate Cake.

Just when i was beginning to enjoy the emptiness.

It's time to pick myself up and start again i suppose.

I've written out a list of rules.

I'm going to stick to them.

I know i can do this.

And this time, this time it's going to last.

This blog has become an endless series of 'new beginnings', of countless promises to succeed, to myself, and to all of you.

It has to stop.

Now.

Perfection is about to become my reality.

Let it be yours too.

Xx. Lillie